Times...

In the coolest climes
The world turns to meet me
The question is whether I should follow
Whether you would want to lead?

You're soul on show
Eyes burning bright
Quick and lively
Would I be a fool to follow?

Lighting up the dark
Dancing in the wind
Singing in the streets
Why would you want me to follow?

Earworms Part IX

This song is "Effington" by Ben Folds off "Way to Normal". I have to admit it isn't the video I wanted to post (I was looking for "Cologne", but most of the stuff on youtube isn't great quality so this it is). Its a close second I'm liking it at the moment, just a song that screams out at you, granted its with the old double entendre but you know sometimes I'm not sure that that is any bad thing, and I'm a real sucker for his piano playing...

Just a thought...

We all live under the same sky, breathe the same air, walk the same Earth. This little planet is our home, everyone on it is placed together. One collective, boundaries and borders are human concepts, we are all alive on the planet, that is the common link. What we believe, see, feel is modulated by the individual. But everyone is here, and its beautiful.

Stopping for a moment...

Last night I watched the BBC Sports Personality of the Year - it represents sporting achievement in the UK. Amongst all the achievement of the evening was something that moved me greatly. Not because it was a world championship or a great win coming from behind. Every year there is the Lifetime Achievement Award, this year it was awarded to Seve Ballesteros.

I've alluded several times on this blog I'm a bit of a golfer - but Seve was the guy that inspired me to take up the game. The joy, drive and imagination that he played with. Especially in the winning of his majors. Maybe more so it draws sharp comparison with the stories of Tiger Woods at the moment. But in Seve there is still such heart and fight, to fight against the brain cancer that affects him at present. I suppose its a difficult line to draw because there are many people affected by such conditions out of the media limelight (I guess you could add the Tiger Woods incident as well). But I'm choosing Seve simply because of the raw emotion of the guy in what he did and he inspires me every time I go out on the course. Delighted for the guy, and his heart and determination.

Earworms Part VIII

Hot on the heels, as it were. A track I've been listening to a lot recently, an awful lot in fact. Its also not in English which adds to the fun. 'Inní mér syngur vitleysingur' ('Within me a lunatic sings') from the Sigur Ros album 'Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust' ('With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly'). I simply adore the song, I think its just beautiful. That was before I took a bit of time to look up the lyrics I was going to put the translation but decided against it (its HERE if you were wondering...) - but like I've said with many of this series there lyrics that touched me and I wish that I could have written something similar as its a really great expression!

On a note though supposedly vitleysingur is lunatic but something a little more gentle, more silly rather than lunatic. But wonderful song.

Earworms Part VII

I've wondered about posting this for a bit. But something has kind of clicked with it - its called "I just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay, off the Garden State soundtrack (there'll be another one off it soon...). I think its kind of self-obvious in its meaning. I like the song very, much. I've talked in the past about how I'm amazed by the power of music; this one doubly so just because I kind of feel it at the moment...

Questions and Answers

Its a funny thought, I've not posted much actual process in the recent weeks. It isn't that I've not been writing - there's a very long post in my temp folder that is getting reviewed, edited and generally preened - that was never the general plan for the blog as I wanted to write and publish to cut the editing filter out. It may or may not see the light of day, possibly in parts.

But what has crossed my mind as part of it was something I was thinking in the past. Maybe a common topic based around questions and answers. Knowing the questions is the first part. I once thought that knowing the answers would then solve the problem. But by trade I'm at least partially a mathematician and knowing the question and answer doesn't actually help lead to a final solution - remember math problems from school? Knowledge of both parts doesn't actually mean that you could deal with a similar problem again.

My problem? I got diagnosed with depression (many months ago, this blog started long after I'd finished treatment), maybe the knowledge that the black dog could always be there in the future - mistakes made in the past that brought me to this point. Quitting the job relieved a great deal of the problems and let me get myself straight - I can't describe the relief at walking out; I'd never go back to that. The fact that that wasn't it or enough maybe wasn't a shock. But maybe it isn't as easy as that - money isn't everything but a bit of comfort at least allows you to step away when you need.

Why this post? I'm not after sympathy; this blog is here to tell a story, and a personal one from a certain perspective. I don't know what can be defined as an end point, or where that point is. Its a road a lot of people have trod in the past and I have the utmost respect and admiration for them. Maybe some things are personal (and maybe painfully personal). That is the reason photos of me or any direct links don't appear here - possibly I want to distance myself slightly, I'm not quite sure - certainly I have absolutely no intention or wish of offending anyone with my words, that isn't the reason this blog started. But this is the ride and this blog a reflection of it - an accountable journal for thoughts; hopefully good times are ahead, time to make things good!

Earworms Part VI

A special song this one. Hypnotic, brilliant, for me one of the whole packages. Not just the song itself but the setting, especially in this video. I saw Radiohead live last year and they played Everything in its Right Place as part of the set. Live it is thrilling, doubly so with the light show - seeing the scrolling text in the bars was rather mesmerising. The use of electronics (Kaoss pads and delay pedals modifying the sampled vocals) I find fascinating, just for the whole atmosphere it creates!

The tram crash on the way home was less pleasurable, a minor derailment that brought down a couple of poles and very nearly hit Cafe Nero - I remember looking round to see a sign embedded in the door and thinking best not go out that way. But in a way added to the experience, thankfully everyone was fine - but it certainly made a talking point of the gig. This live footage is from Reading this year...

Earworms Part V

I simply adore this track. Its called "A Century of Elvis" by Belle and Sebastian (it uses the backing of "A Century of Fakers" and is on the "Lazy Line Painter Jane" EP), its just such a simple tune with a great story. Its just a wonderful narration of a great story; I considered putting the lyrics here but it has a lovely little twist that gets to me every time.

How to Disappear Completely...

Dublin absolutely fascinated me. I'm eager to go back, though I'd prefer somewhere different to reside as the hostel wasn't great... This photo was taken on St Patrick's Day 2008 looking down towards O'Connell street and the bridge at the bottom. The advantage with the poor accommodation was the motivation to get up and out for coffee and breakfast by myself in the morning, it was great to be out amongst the business traffic in the hustle and busy by myself. Wonderful city!

The photo always made me think of the Radiohead song "How to Disappear Completely", just floating down the Liffey.

Earworms Part IV

Another from 31 Songs that Changed my Life . This time is the funk influenced Brooklyn by Youngblood Brass Band. From the very first time I heard it its a track that just makes me want to get up and dance; so funky and the sounds in the sousaphone solo are phenomenal!

Earworms Part III

This is the first time that I've included one of the tunes from 31 Songs that Changed my Life in Earworms. The tune is Tamacun by Rodrigo Y Gabriela (this performance is from Later with Jools Holland in 2006). Somehow seeing it performed live tops the record, not just because the tempo is up, but seeing performers so into the music for me is part of the joy of watching a performance. Its something that just makes me wish I was better at guitar!

Wish You Were Here

Every so often I look back over these photos, and each time I always see something a little bit new. In a small point of self-indulgence this is one of the very few pictures I've ever actually titled with something more than a bald description of the contents. Its just a reminder of a real chilled out period of time.

I should just add the picture is looking out to the Andaman Sea from Patong Beach on Phuket.

Somewhere in the Between...

"...is a life of which we all dream and nothing or no-one can ever take that away" - Streetlight Manifesto - Somewhere in the Between.

This blog can be accused of a lot of things, from self-aggrandisement to a bit of navel gazing. I'll admit that isn't quite the intention. I guess this is the second part of Why I write.... I suppose its something that I always knew. There isn't a magic fix all button out there. In my case something got pointed out very bluntly to me (a friend of mine described me as a robot that just worked permanently - he was right - and its how I got treated by a lot of people but I didn't do myself any favours). Unfortunately from there things can go two ways, I worked hard at putting right the things I didn't like. I lost my way, it took a lot of things that maybe I took for granted going away. I'm not proud of saying that - or of my subsequent actions.

Its that balance - work and life. Both of which being as quiet as a night on the Mary Celeste made me re-question well most things. But why? Simple - its the first time that I felt I was treated as a human, professionally but more so personally. Work was the easiest place to see it (not the most critical but the easiest) - I got told by my boss that I would get told what would be the things interesting me, that I didn't have the skills they wanted or needed, that the way out was just to work harder. That was a pretty big red flag.

But as I've said it wasn't the most important. That life aspect - its the one that most interests me from the self-help I've read - everybody says don't worry things will turn out right (there's this automatic assumption you have this group of people round you or are in a job you've taken out of actual desire for it) and as they are meant to. Well I have news on this front and an addendum I'd like to add - this is a pointless statement if you've somewhat isolated yourself socially; and for about 6-7 years I was and I couldn't see it (how to bury yourself in work part 1...). Because they won't work out unless you take that action, you'll be left sitting by yourself again wondering what exactly is going on. Well that was where I came into this from - and I knew I had to haul my backside out of it, and did but putting myself back into didn't seem the wisest move. But its time to rebuild, jobs, life, love and relationships.

Black Dog

Many places have a story of a ghoulish, ghostly black dog that haunts the buildings. On the Isle of Man it is the Moddey Dhoo, and his place of residence is Peel Castle. Like a madman I climbed the adjacent hill to take this picture, which shows the ruins of the cathedral inside the grounds. Pretty much bent double into the wind which I would describe as battering ram strength. The state of the seas in the background give some indication, but I think that the stillness of the building clashes nicely with the ferocity of the waves!

Clover Over Dover

In a strange way I've never posted any pictures from the mainland UK, I realised that I don't actually have too many photos of the homeland. So I thought I'd post one of the more famous pictures. This picture is from the Dover-Calais ferry, I was on my way to Belgium at the time. It struck me as we sailed past just how beautiful they were - also on this occasion so close to the Remembrance Services the view they gave to troops crossing the channel and for the aircrew crossing them. Every time I take that ferry I always take time to stop, think and give thanks.

Earworms Part II

I couldn't get very far into this little idea without mentioning this track. Its one that I've listened to over and over - especially travelling as the whole album has such a chilled out vibe - plus Trevor Lawrence's sax playing sounds so good! anyway the track is T Plays It Cool from the Trouble Man soundtrack by Marvin Gaye. I'll be the first to admit that I've never seen the film, and that I only heard the track through a mix CD in the Another Late Night series by Fila Brazilia (Some details... although the allmusic review makes very interesting reading!)

Ah Mr Bond we've been expecting you...

Once again back to Thailand. The thin island is called Ko Tapu - locally its known as James Bond Island as it was featured in the Man with the Golden Gun. Bond duels with Scaramanga on the beach in front of the island just to the right of the shot. Unfortunately its full of small shops peddling very touristy merchandise. Its real shame. The soundtrack to this photo sounds just as it should in a tropical jungle - the classic soundtrack!

Why I Write...

I've tried a few times to write something down as to why this blog came about - I've wanted to write this for a while as its really the culmination of a lot of earlier posts. Each time its been neatly saved in the drafts folder for future perusal.

So where does Past and Future Tense come from - well it is a reference to a good many things. I adore languages and I always remember the struggle of trying to come to terms with the different tenses. It seems so easy in English, but so hard to remember elsewhere...

Put simply its the finer things in life, the small things around me that I find fascinating. The small things that pass us by in life. I enjoy writing about them because it feels like you are in real contact with what is going on. I have to admit I adore the natural world.

When I started writing this blog I spent a couple of months unemployed having left a job I had only recently started. The situation with my relationship wasn't great, and came to a head very quickly; its no comfort to know that I messed up big time - and brought it on myself. Its one of those things, they go that way sometimes.

After righting myself I realised things had to change (Ben Folds and the week that was). Because things didn't feel quite right, you can keep plugging away but ending up in the same situation just didn't seem acceptable. Blatantly there's no big excuse for this, and as I've kept saying in the grand scheme of things in the world its no big thing, and believe me I know it isn't.

Writing gives me a bit of a release. It lets me put my thoughts down. I write instinctively - I'm a very poor editor. Its my way; I know what drives me, those little things. Unfortunately in taking the job that I did I lost a lot of the little things that kept me motivated. I've always said if I can do anything to prevent one person going down the route I've gone I'd do it.

But I'm not here to complain, because I know it doesn't help me. I've spent (too long) a time thinking about what went on. I have to admit I just wanted to find some way of solving things, but that wasn't the way it came across. Its that bit of real life thats important - the small things in life. Thats where the motto of needing to change things comes from. I suppose I kind of got mired in self-help, as I realised I had to do something. The crunch came when I read stuff that about happiness in yourself - maybe I misinterpreted it maybe the cases are hard to make out.

Unfortunately it isn't something that is a given right, or that will happen by magic (I spent years waiting for things to pick up - then got surprised when they didn't...). Its something you have to create (I figured I had to do something about it and challenge myself a bit more). I spent too long listening to various people extolling the virtues of why I should take a particular job. I forgot one thing, myself - I let myself get persuaded by too many factors that weren't true to me (if you're wondering money, power, perks and expectations as well just any old way to avoid the credit crunch). That wasn't the main thing though the prospect of spending 8 hours a day alone in an office, another 3 commuting by car then a quick supper and bed for the rest of my life without personal contact was the thing that made me snap - plus I didn't really care about the work that I was doing. For me the prospect of that life, that job hit me hard; but I let it impact all areas of my life and I shouldn't have.

Its a hard admission to make but at a colleagues (bosses boss) leaving do in my previous time there (8 years ago or so) I got told to my face in front of a number of people to go out, get a life and get laid or failing that just go get a prostitute. At the time I was shy and scared boy who didn't say anything and walked out. I wonder what my response would have been now sometimes - I suspect it may well have resulted in dismissal for a wide range of offenses. However, the guy was probably right in the get a life stakes - I did and it improved things no end. Unfortunately going back brought back the bad reminders...

Not just that, but as something I've hinted at before (Looking Around) I feel very selfish for walking out on a job when there's loads of people looking for work and the world economy is going down the pan. People lack the basic human necessities, earthquakes, typhoons and flooding dominate the news and I'm sitting here thinking something is up! Yeah perspective! Truth is my life is pretty ok in the big scheme of things (I have my health, and I know that I actually have a bit of choice about what I do) but maybe the little things were wrong. The fine grain of ourselves, but that is something we can take power over and make steps to put right. I'm not saying forget the big things. - I certainly haven't and don't ever intend to - I'm not making false promises here!

I leave this post with some wise words of Billy Connolly:
"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on"

So Here We Are

Another on the PhD travels... This time from Prague, more specifically Dejvica (Prague 6). I was staying in a rudimentary (travelling PhD student=as cheap a hotel as possible) but fantastic little hotel (the breakfast was something to be seen to be believed...). Its one of the first times I'd found myself alone in a city so I took some time to explore. I got thoroughly lost! Anyway winding back I came across the rail lines and this photo kind of struck me, I've never quite been sure why as I've never been one for the railways - I think it was purely to do with the straightness of the lines at that point just as the Sun went down.

Brush the Cobwebs Out of the Sky

A photo from the south coast on Cuba. A really great evening, though I got bitten to death by midges actually getting the picture. I spent the evening watching a Cuban version of Boyzone drinking espresso by the bucket load - that wasn't a great plan as I didn't sleep for about 3 days afterwards...

I had a few attempts at this picture, it isn't perfect as there is a lighthouse in the bottom left corner and I wanted to catch the light full on to counter the sunset through the tree. It worked, a bit but the light was really starting to fade fast!

Earworms Part I

Its strange when a song gets stuck in your head. With this one I'm quite happy there's no lyrics as its makes it so much easier. I started learning salsa about 3 months ago and this is a tune played frequently - its called Via by Al Delory. Nice, smooth and a great piano led tune that just keeps going!

In Bruges

Out of all the places that I've been, I have to say I would always be happy to go to the Benelux - not that I've been to many of them but they are somewhere I could go back to time and time again. Out of them I have only visited Belgium, but there is something about the place that keeps attracting me back. Its fair to say I'm one for cafe culture, and from that its very easy just to sink into these places. I have this very European attitude whereby I can quite happily sit in a cafe all day providing the coffee is good and watch the world go by - the same thing just doesn't seem to work in Starbucks.

The first photo is from Bruges, its quite the famous photo but taken from a different angle, just round the corner missing the clock tower. Its a special photo for a lot of reasons, not just because I like it as a picture. I also have it as a painting produced by my father which sat by my desk at work for about two years giving me something wonderful to look at!



Moving slightly further, I've only ever spent a day in Ghent. It wasn't really long enough to get a good impression and I need to go back for a while just to soak into the place a little more. But whilst wandering through I noticed some quite astounding graffiti on the side of a shop it really did stop me in my tracks.

Not Perfect

Not Perfect by Tim Minchin

This is my Earth
And I live in it
It's one third dirt
And two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair
And here's the really weird thing
The force created by its spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

This is my Earth
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my country
And I live in it
It's pretty big
And nice to walk on And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And taught us to be fearful and boring
And the weirdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrow

This is my country
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my house
And I live in it
It's made of cracks
And photographs
We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy
Who bought it from a guy
Whose granddad left it to him
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in

This is my house
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect
But it's mine

This is my body
And I live in it
It's 31
And 6 months old
It's changed a lot since it was new
It's done stuff it wasn't built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my brain
And I live in it
It's made of love
And bad song lyrics
It's tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
Cos God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weirdest thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis of a brand new cliché

This is my brain
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect
I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it
It's not perfect
But it's mine

Rockin' the Suburbs

I was flipping through a set of photos recently, and came across this one. Its taken on Koh Panyee; the island is a little touristy but not nearly as much as it might. Of the many places we visited that day it left a big impact. Yes there is the tourist restaurant and bazaar. But it was something you could get past, and when you did you ended up in a small school - bunches of kids playing football, just a bit of daily life.

Plans

A slightly older photo today - from Cuba. Its the obvious image and one many people will have photographed. The Ministry of Communications in the Plaza de la Revolución, Havana. I took quite a few photos as the image was so famous - but I noticed a horse and trap coming down the road and it seemed such a strange image that I had to capture it.

Cuba was an incredibly fun place to visit (2004) - I loved the place so full of energy and its pure musician nirvana. Every bar you walk into has a double bass player, trumpeter, guitarist and timbal player who are phenomenal. I'd heard of the Buena Vista Social Club before I went to Cuba, I didn't believe the music would be so vibrant. It was!

All at Sea

Another picture from Thailand 2008... Taken on a day of Island Hopping - I think somewhere near Phi Phi. Just another calm quiet day with a good bunch of guys floating around some islands - bit of snorkeling, some great scenery. Calm and quiet.



The photo isn't quite level as I took it overhand from the boat we were on. Calm with islands jutting out of the sea and the boat quietly anchored. All this misses is the sounds of the island we were close to; a glorious tropical soundtrack.

Connections and Play Misty...

Two pictures today, as I couldn't separate them. About 18 months ago I hiked up Tholt-Y-Will whilst on holiday in the Isle of Man (a National Glen of the island), not as hard as it sounds! On the way up I spotted a lone sheep just standing uphill from me who posed for a quick picture seeming interested some fool would try hiking up the place...



Anyway I eventually reached the top (you arrive looking out at Snaefell just down from the junction onto the Mountain Road and TT Course). Happy I did, first time I've seen snow on Snaefell in April, the road quietly steaming and the clouds drifting across.

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

Today a photo that is just over a year old from a time I was in Thailand. Just another story; sitting on the edge of the pool with a group of mates watching the sunset (note: poetic licence actual photo is from a different evening and from the beach rather than the pool... and I wanted to frame the boat under the Sun but it didn't quite happen!) not a care in the world!



These posts mark a bit of a change from the norm - I find nature inspiring, I always have and I've been lucky enough to get to some nice places in the past and work with some very inspiring people. I want to put together a bit of writing on the subject!

Memories...

...are they made of this?



The photo is one of mine that I come back and look at quite a bit - not quite sure what it captured, or why I took it, but it was just there and I liked it.

The mini-win

So what is in a mini-win? Put simply its a celebration for something you wouldn't normally celebrate. A pat on the back for something that would go un-noticed to anyone but yourself. It can be incredibly trivial, in fact it can be argued the more trivial it is the more of a true mini-win it is, especially if its something we should just be able to do.

But why is it important? Simply its there to give us a way of picking ourselves up and offering congratulation for a job well done. I suppose its a self-drive thing, its important that through any process you need to remember yourself. Its something I'm very guilty of not doing - taking care of yourself is very important; if you forget about you then you can get into a great deal of trouble. Therefore don't; find a way of congratulating yourself occasionally, embrace the mini-win.

Steps

Its all about the little steps. The little mini-wins that encourage us along the way - its something I've talked about a great deal in the lab that I used to work in. Particularly how things around us can make us feel stupid and that can have a massive impact. These things can be what we're being asked to do at work, pressures at home or the state of a relationship. Any of them we can deal with individually but the combination of all of them can cause problems.

But recovering from them requires a set of steps to get things back in check - dealing with everything at once is a bit difficult. My own set of steps are progressing - my fitness is back in check, I've passed my PhD (well near enough) and it looks like I'm back on the job front as it looks like everything is sorted out.

Does it feel right, I don't know but it is forwards not back. Can't quite seem to quell the nerves though. I suppose that's normal though, just a case of wait and see!

Filler

What is does filler mean? Filling in time between things, filling in the picture. So the first one - I have to say that its been a bit of a surprise mainly to myself but its astonishing what fitness can do. More to the point how you can get there; I've always avoided putting pictures of myself on here as my view of this blog is one that is personal but not in some kind of way that is absolute...

But fitness is an odd one - maybe 3 or 4 years ago I was about 90kg, for those that count a bmi of 29.2. I started working out to try and get into shape; 6 months ago I was 80kg (26.0). I'm currently about 74kg (24.0) and that will be about that. But blimey its been hard work, since I lost (well left) my job I've been in the gym 6 days a week for about 2 hours. Its one of those points that probably looks like I've overtrained slightly - its probably true but it feels good to have got the weight off (and its amazing the amount its quietened my snoring, not totally but its getting better! Has to be said that personal recorders are wonderful devices).

There's always the worry that what was essentially filler time becomes permanent, but one thing for sure is that I don't want to lose what I've worked hard to get back. Just need to keep the balance!

31 Songs that Changed My Life

The inspiration for this post comes from an article in the Guardian from 2003 that I came across today, originally written by Nick Hornby. It gave me some food for thought - here they are in no particular order...

1. Radiohead - Weird Fishes/Arpeggi (In Rainbows) Album Review at Allmusic
There is very little that I can say about Radiohead that hasn't already been written. I had the great pleasure of seeing them at Old Trafford just over a year ago. This was one of the tunes of the set and its a song I've listened to on loop for a long time, just listening to the intricate guitar pattern.

2. The Killers - Mr Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Remix)
A song with memories; the song got a lot of airtime when I was deciding whether or not to do a PhD. Driving back from London one night it came on the radio and I realised that it was the right path!

3. Fela Kuti - Zombie (Zombie) Album Review at Allmusic
Ok I play sax and therefore there's a bit of a bias... But the energy present in a Fela Kuti record is something that I amazed can be captured. The playing is astonishing and the drumming of Tony Allen simply phenomenal. Whilst Fela is criticised for some of his views and his songs do carry some undertones - Zombie contains criticism of the army - but the musicianship is something I can listen to for hours.

4. Streetlight Manifesto - Point/Counterpoint and Keasbey Nights (Everything Goes Numb and Keasbey Nights) Album Review at Allmusic and Album Review at Allmusic
I've seen Streetlight live twice now and have never failed to have a great evening. To keep the energy in the brass for a complete set is simply awesome - but the 9 minutes of the mix of Point/Counterpoint and Keasbey Nights just has such vibrancy that each time I hear it I can't help but just look on in wonder!

5. Stevie Wonder - Superstition (Talking Book) Album Review at Allmusic
A populist choice, but a track that I've played live on a couple of occasions that I've enjoyed. Happy days, smooth tune.

6. Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space (Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space) Album Review at Allmusic
An album that is as varied as its title sounds. Just a beautiful track that amazes me. Almost a lullaby with a very simple lyric that just seems to sum things up every time I listen to it.

7. Rodrigo Y Gabriela - Tamacun (Rodrigo Y Gabriela) Album Review at Allmusic
Just an incredible sound, makes me wish I could play guitar a good deal better than I can. The range of sounds is amazing.

8. Paul Simon - Born in Puerto Rico (Songs from the Capeman) Album Review at Allmusic
A simple story from a beautiful album, a song I could sit and listen to for quite a while; and indeed have done as Paul Simon was a common choice for evenings sitting round with friends!

9. Dave Brubeck Quartet - Take Five (Time Out) Album Review at Allmusic
Written by Paul Desmond who left royalties to the Red Cross after his death. Simple and beautiful, made me want to play alto sax. If I could have a sound a tenth of that of Paul Desmond I'd be happy. Its a track I now irritate people with as I practiced it so much I just play through it...

10. Oasis - Live Forever (Definitely Maybe) Album Review at Allmusic
Ah the fallacy of youth. To be English and around as Oasis came to the fore, maybe I was a little young though, it was a song that doesn't fail to transport that invincibility to the present day.

11. Coldplay - Viva la Vida (Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends) Album Review at Allmusic
The first of two tunes I've covered with bands. This was never a tune I especially liked, and it seems to follow me around wherever I go - a few weeks after we played it it appeared on rotation in the pub jukebox 3 times an hour.

12. Ben Folds Five - Army (The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner) Album Review at Allmusic
Like #11 a song that I've covered more than once, whenever I hear I just go straight back to the fun times of playing and rehearsing in a small group - a good time!

13. Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla (Takk...) Album Review at Allmusic
The obvious/populist choice... but still a great song. I listened to it a great deal during some job based upheaval. An easy song to chill to as concentration isn't required on the lyrics due to my lack of Icelandic...

14. The Specials - Guns of Navarone
I saw Neville Staple of the Specials live with his touring band a few months ago. Just a good fun evening set off by an explosive live version, such a good gig!

15. Jason Rebello - Summertime (Make it Real) Album Review at Allmusic
The first CD album I ever owned - the track features Maxi Jazz of Faithless. Just the feeling reminds me everything is going to be good!

16. Quincy Jones/Matt Monroe - Days Like These (Italian Job Soundtrack) Album Review at Allmusic
Title track of a movie that I adore, a song thats good to drive to and feel the wind in your hair!

17. Youngblood Brass Band - Brooklyn (Center:Level:Roar) Album Review at Allmusic
I first heard this on the PA at a gig between a couple of sets whilst milling around with a bunch of mates. Within a few seconds we were dancing like fools, about 5 minutes later everyone wondered exactly what we'd heard. The term brass band is a bit misleading if you take it in the sense of "Brassed Off" for that they are not! The live version raises the bar another notch.

18. Sufjan Stevens - Come On! Feel the Illinoise! (Part 1: The World's Columbian Exposition - Part 2: Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream) (Illinois) Album Review at Allmusic
Wins the title for longest song here. But I can't say much about this other than if you've never heard Sufjan Stevens then do. I was pointed there by a friend and the upbeat nature has really picked me up.

19. Ojos De Brujo - Ventilaor R-80 (Bari) Album Review at Allmusic
A song I heard on Radio 2 (Bob Harris I think...) that introduced me to electronic crossover, in this case with Flamenco. A tune that carries a great deal of strong memories for a variety of reasons. Though the album as a whole is also great, this was my lead in to it.

20. Da Lata - Cores (Songs from the Tin) Album Review at Allmusic
Like the last a tune with a lot of memories. This one is electronica and samba. Beautiful and inspiring. I heard it a great deal on various chillout albums before I bought Songs from the Tin, which is just a great album to sit and listen to on a quiet Sunny day.

21. Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark (Plans) Album Review at Allmusic
Just a track I find heartbreakingly beautiful. I suppose its a song that summed up my own feelings about love and life. The whole album is fantastic and is one that I've listened to a great deal.

22. Tim Minchin - Not Perfect (Darkside) Album Review at Allmusic
A wonderful concept for a song, just keeping looking inwards. A final beautiful verse that resonated with me in recent times.

23. Bjork - Hyperballad (Post) Album Review at Allmusic
Beautiful song I came across whilst studying for exams. It reminds me of that time, maybe not all good memories but powerful.

24. Michael Buble - Home (Caught in the Act) Album Review at Allmusic
A song I've listened to a great deal. The sentiment of the song is one that I felt a great deal following moving for a job. It carries some wonderful memories...

25. Make it Better Later - The Pirate Song (Music By Numbers)
A band I've seen live a great many times. Always fun!

26. Bob Marley - Redemption Song (Uprising) Album Review at Allmusic
A sentiment I love, the first Bob Marley track I heard and it drove me off on a discovery of a genius whose words have always interested me.

27. The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition (Conditions) Album Review at Allmusic
A track that was played a great deal while I was leaving a job, just beautiful.

28. Buena Vista Social Club - Candela (Buena Vista Social Club) Album Review at Allmusic
A track that made me click with Cuban music and motivated me to visit the country.

29. Moulin Rouge - Come What May (OST) Album Review at Allmusic
Pretty much as #24, a track that has much sentiment and emotion...

30. The Three Tenors - Nessun Dorma
Ok another cliché but Nessun Dorma from Puccini's Turandot represented Italia 90, the World Cup that introduced me to football. Just playing the song now takes me back to being excited to watch England, willing them on to win.

31. Nitin Sawhney - Breathing Light/Developed/Footsteps (Prophesy) Album Review at Allmusic
I'm breaking rules slightly for the last one. I can't say anything more than this is a beautiful trio of tracks from Prophesy that provide a message about life. I know people that I've played these tracks to don't like being prophesied to in this manner, but I find the messages very enlightening! The final part is an African chorus that moves me to tears each time I listen to it, just a beautiful happy sound.

So there is the list. If you've read this far well done; as I was compiling this list it occurred to me that its something that will always update. This is very much a list for now!

Ben Folds and the Week that Was

So another week, another not much. I seem to have got fixated on Ben Folds discography this week, I never realised quite how much I liked Supersunnyspeedgraphic. Its an odd time, a whole heap of trepidation and realisation; its been a quite couple of weeks which haven't been too bad on balance.

However, there is always that interesting revelation around the corner. I suppose a lot of the missing bits over the last few months have clicked into place. No solution but just a clear picture of the problem. On the face of things I've got very little to complain about, and its true. I met up with an old Uni mate I'd not seen in years this week and was good to sit and chat and see how well his company is doing and how good things are at present.

I guess its the motivation for a change of persepective because the realisation was that the old ways weren't working. Its good but the effect of getting to this point kind of made me wonder whether it was worth it given that I'm pretty certain I knew all of this in the first place I just couldn't make it jump high enough.

But yes, much Ben Folds listening; such a good writer!

An Odd Thought....

Its a strange one this. I was away in the week and had something of an epiphany driving across the hills heading back. Unfortunately not quite a full picture but I suppose its something! Its an odd one because I suppose a thought that I've put on here in the past came back - oft described in the footballing circles as the new club project.

Its an interesting one and I find it somewhat strange from a personal point of view. I suppose its due to a few things that have gone on recently, and its part of a new perspective. I'm not quite sure where everything sits. But an interesting week; plenty of food for thought - don't know where its going, or what the answers are but a different perspective is an interesting one.

Music...

I've not been playing music much lately. I think I need to again, I hadn't realised quite how much I miss it. Its also occurred to me that I really need to have a go at writing/composing properly again. I'm kind of sitting here wondering whats brought this on again. But its sitting listening to music again.

Amongst all the nonsense there's always a quiet voice of reason in it. There's a good many of songs that I wish that I'd written. As I write this I'm listening to Ben Folds' "The Luckiest" - its something that always makes me wonder at the human mind; as it sits there and holds some memories that you can trigger with music.

Its odder because I was in the gym today (well I'm pretty much always there...) and put on the Jacques Lu Cont remix of "Mr Brightside" which was the track that made me realise I wanted to a do PhD years ago - it's an odd one I know and not the first thing that would come to mind! But I was driving back from an interview for a firm not especially at ease with something and it came on the radio and I kind of had a revelation. Maybe I'm hoping for something similar at the moment, a moment of clarity.

Looking Around

So much to say, so few words. Been sat around most of the evening - not having the best of time; but its these times that remind you that being happy where you are is important and if you're not something needs to be done. Unfortunately the chances need to be there and if they aren't they need searching out.

Another day, another interview which is good news. But there is such a motivation to get on right now; I suppose the heart of the problem is comparison; and the look of it from various points of view. Because it sounds selfish, dropping a job and trying to improve my own conditions when there is so much going wrong around and about. Putting up and shutting up might have been simpler.

I suppose its the siting around; too much, too regularly. Its a personal thing I guess, I've always been someone who wanted to get on and fix things. I guess its that that is causing me some restlessness right now. Well that and some music choices... Listening to "White Wine in the Sun" by Tim Minchin has kind of made me a bit sentimental for times past.

Confidence is a Preference for the Habitual Voyeur....

Keeping with the song lyrics...

Anyway; keeping up with themes. What is going on, well the first point is an interview at the start of next week. I can't quite figure out how I feel about it nervous, kind of looking forward to it but also thinking I'm not quite sure about some things - other things look good, but lets wait and see!

At present I've got a lot of people pulling for me which is nice. But I'm in a position where I don't really want to offend anyone, again it sounds odd to say it especially in these times but I'm in the process of walking away from another job offer. I felt it had all the hallmarks of the previous one that caused problems, but as with the other its one that I've been put forward for rather than applying directly, so it feels like I'm letting people down. But right choice I think, hopefully consequences won't be too severe.

However, the point to this post; well maybe anyway. As I've posted in the past I've probably spent a bit too long reading self-help books recently. A good deal of the advice on offer is to simply get out there and get some confident or keep trying until you do - its a poor summary I know and there are some other bits, and what can I say I'm working on them! I suppose its a personal point of view, but I suppose I've got very introspective of late and the last 6/7 months has forced me to look over how I was living my life; and I wasn't too happy. Therefore I retreated into the self-help, but I realised its only the outline of the path. You've got to actually tread it yourself.

So I'm starting to get out there and push myself a bit more; start some new hobbies - one that surprised me is that I've started Salsa; granted I'm not the greatest yet but its fun and you get out and there's plenty of people around for a bit of a chat. Still got to go to an evening but I'm thinking I need to improve before that!

Travelling Without Moving....

So yeah, another weekend, another train journey. Back the same route to old haunts, its the third weekend on the trot that I've been back. It's somewhat strange, as it's a reminder of the good times from the first few months of the year before things kind of went awry. I suppose the main point of this which I've been trying to get somewhere near in the previous few posts - hiding you're life away is no good thing.

Knowing who you are, liking yourself and being comfortable are very much the first step. But in my opinion you can't really stop there, or certainly I can't myself. So what happened? Well sometimes I listen to what people say to me in person too much (strangely I ignore advertising...). In the buildup to this I kept getting told it was time to sort my life and and give-up the things that were me, making me happy, and that money was the only thing that mattered. Not quite true and I suppose its this warning that gave me the shake up it has.

There's something to be said for listening to people, though sometimes you need to listen through what they say and judge it - what they think is best for you, may not actually be absolutely right. The time that I've had has allowed me to see what went on, but to quote Sufjan Stevens "I've made a lot of mistakes" - its a path everyone treads; you just hope that the opportunity to correct the mistakes presents itself again!

Just one more thing - I'd encourage anyone with access to the BBC to watch "Last Chance to See" - Stephen Fry presenting on the Douglas Adams book. Just started watching it and it promises to be absolutely excellent!

A Good Evening

So yeah a good evening. I went out tonight to see Tim Minchin ("Ready For This?") and I have to say he is excellent. Maybe some of his comedy could be a bit close to the bone for some people. But his material, way of keeping the crowd and awesome musicality was an absolute joy to behold. I've not heard a comic so well receive by an audience as at the end of the show. So many highlights in the show but "Bears Don't Dig on Dancing" had me laughing and I was really happy to hear "Not Perfect", it was a song I was really looking forward to hear and hoped he played - all I'll say is that lyrically its a song that means a lot and I like immensely.

However, I can say that I've been out a bit recently and I can honestly say heading out to stuff by yourself is dull. It was a really weird counterpoint with the show. Having been a bit mired in self-help its astonishing how often the tip get out by yourself is given. I'm not quite sure why? Personally its never been much of a problem as I've always done it, but its very, very dull and the thought of continuing that way indefinitely doesn't exactly fill you full of hope.

Its given me more motivation to get out of here; the question is always left though - will moving make it better? Who knows. Still back in previous haunts this weekend again for another birthday in the old crowd! But I re-iterate if you get a chance to see "Ready For This?" go, providing that you don't mind Tim Minchin's style you'll really enjoy it!

Decisions...

There's a point that everything makes sense. I was reminded recently of a conversation I had with an old friend of mine; we worked together for a bit and maybe didn't always see eye to eye. But as well as our set of three ideas of happiness we also chatted about work. I have the one thing he stressed was the gut-feeling, you know what is right for you. This point is true – you know what you want and what is the right course. If something, like a job, is presented to you on a plate then if its wrong, you know. That means you know the course you need to take, I'm guilty of not doing that; very guilty.

However, there is one further point that we made which is that if you try and force the situation then there is a good chance you could wind up with something wrong. Bide your time, have patience and confidence; you know what you want and what is right for you – don't compromise! Think about your decisions with regard to what you are! Me? Naïve? Certainly. A fool? Absolutely. Incurable romantic? Definitely.

Gut Feeling

There's a point that everything opens up in front of you and its one big mountain to climb (you could say bike to ride, then the falling off analogy works really well but I shall not be drawn on it...). There's a point where you want some kind of solution to appear; and its perfectly obvious no-one can find you a solution.

I suppose its a question of perspective. Its fair to say that I'm not best pleased at the moment - I suspect I'm too easily pushed in directions. I suppose I've read a bit too much self-help over the previous few months. There's a great deal of talk about why you need to know yourself and spend time doing it. I have to say its a point that I agree with but I would like to place a word of caution on it. I've spent a large proportion of my life single and its fair to say that I've not made the best choices sometimes for several years of my life for one reason or another and totally my own fault! But in the course of not staying single is when I've discovered and learned the most about myself.

Its given me a really good perspective of life - its given me a chance to know me and the kick up the backside to do something about it; unfortunately some of the good memories are missing. Maybe its time to try and redress some of that. Its a corny line but you get you're 20s once; you can make mistakes but the biggest (for me anyway) is wishing time away.

I truly hate it, and I'm stuck doing it at the moment, in some kind of half-space; because I know a decent job is out there, and I'm applying for them, but they all seem to have deadlines way off in the future - and there's this gulf in the middle where settling is difficult as I'm off again shortly hopefully.

Unfortunately wanting to fix things is good but isn't quite as simple as it sounds - once you let the cat out of the bag (so to speak) and you actually figure out what is going on; what it is that makes you tick. I suppose there's a moral to this story - gut-feelings are good; go with them, they are as right as you're going to get!

The Search for Good News...

It sounds selfish to say this but I don't mean this as a look at the general world (though good world news is always a positive). But there are a great many times that I've opened my emails and hoped for some good news. It seems to be becoming more frequent again in the way it was a few months ago. Good things occurred, and I was amazed. News was delivered and it was good. But now news has turned and I'm back watching email hoping for something good.

It seems odd because you try hard to make things happen and then you just end up sitting and waiting. I have to say I've realised that I don't really like being out of work, somehow out of the pattern that I was so used to. There's a poem by Matt Harvey called Don't Ask that I feel sums everything up really well.

Yes I walked out of a job, and I have to say that a day doesn't go by when I'm not relieved that I took the choice - I would have had to spend three years retraining for a job that I had no interest in doing, financially it maybe wasn't the best choice maybe not even career wise; but sometimes you just know it is the right decision. In many ways it is a shame I didn't take it earlier; much, much earlier - you may question how I got through the interviews, got offered the position and accepted it; I know I do. But by heck I'd like a job now please - there is the hope for good news on the wings of an email that drives this post! To get back and see Step 1 of the plan of an indeterminate number of steps.

Parental Suggestion

This post for me is a difficult one to write. Its one of the more personal ones. Sitting around I've got a lot of time to sit and think. Probably too much time. Certainly given the time I've spent recently sitting on trains mainly listening to Marvin Gaye (Trouble Man). But I've been running back over the last couple of months.

Recently my parents celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. It was a great occasion with loads of family and friends around. It was that kind of bunch, fifty/sixty something - I felt a little out of place being the youngest by quite a way. However, the feeling of out of place was added to by the lonely chair next to me, necessary to make the numbers up and not split anyone else up...

Coupled with the fact my love life seemed to become choice conversation, especially with friends/relatives they don't see too often – as it always seems to, however, never in groups when I was around – so I'd hear bits of my personal life drifting past in other people's discussions. Nice and discreet as usual, I think I may have heard a couple of them whilst standing in the next room... My folks seem to have this inbuilt ability to do this – wherever we are, but especially if I've gone out for a meal with them, doubly so if a member of the service staff is coming to the table.

There's a bit of me that wonders whether this relationship pressure comes from the parents, the force to settle down. I've a feeling it does; doubly so if they expect you to be married by now and would like some grand kids please – whenever is convenient you know, but soon... Somehow the parental influence doesn't seem to diminish. I have to say I do love my family dearly but just once a little bit of space would be nice!

I'm impatient, and I don't think its just the coffee. I'm very eager to get things moving again in my life, as everything seemed to stop. Ready to move, ready to go and start again - something new, something good. It just seems that things don't always pan out that way, very close but no cigar to the last job, which was a shame as I liked the area, the job and the chance to sort things. Things need to get moving as I feel as if I'm starting to go just a bit crazy, slightly more shut in that I would like...

Golf... Life....

For the first time in a long time I went out and enjoyed a game of golf. The company that you have for the game makes such a difference. I can't say I played well - shot an 85, 5 over my handicap - which wasn't too clever, but a good walk and decent people made for a good afternoon.

It also occurred to me that most amateur players could benefit from going down the gym regularly. I'm no expert, and practice certainly helps, but being able to get around a round without looking like you're ill and dragging yourself in can't be good for you. I've noticed my own gym exertions have seemed to make me feel fresh from coming through 18, enough to go straight back out - which I think can only be a benefit!

Out this weekend back in my old haunts for a friend's birthday. Really good to see the old crowd and sit around talking; something that I definitely miss having ended up back. Motivation to get a job - massive! There's a time that you just hope something will happen, its difficult trying to push things to make sure they get there. A job, some form of a love life - its plain to see what has gone missing, gone wrong, in the last few months. Its a case of wanting to change I suppose, an indication of seeing things going wrong and a way of putting them right!

Conquering

Well not exactly a fear, but I really enjoy going out to a restaurant to eat, there's just something about it. I've not been doing enough of it mainly because I don't have company and going out to eat by yourself sucks; big time. But I'm away on interview duty again so it was a must. The meal was seriously good, but the company was lacking - sitting by yourself doesn't lead to riveting conversation. I have to say its something I've done before when I've been abroad with work, but it's kind of excusable and the waiting staff are always keen to talk and practice their English! I went out for a couple of drinks as well and it did strike me that I looked a bit of an alcoholic sitting alone supping on a pint of something continental.

I suppose its a part of the personal mentality - why shouldn't you go out for dinner by yourself? Well its a bit dull sitting in a restaurant full of people looking at you as if there's something wrong and the waiting staff looking on with sympathy like you've been stood up...

In the parlance of the new world of football manager - this project still has a long way to go yet and a lot of work is still required. Step 1 I think is getting a job!

Also I'm becoming less and less convinced about coffee from train stations - the last two weeks I've been to the same outlet in a fairly major regional station that I don't go through regularly - I've been distinctly unimpressed, I value my coffee its been a big part of my daily routine for the last few years and I object to being served something seriously substandard at a not cheap price. I'll name no names (but it isn't one of the big ones...) but I've had better instant - do these kind of places have anywhere you can let them know what you think?

Music...

Can music be inspirational? Due to my job situation I'm spending more time at the gym than I usually would, well I'm going every day as opposed to three times a week... Anyways I always run and for the last few weeks I've had some Pendulum tracks queued up to aid the pain of the treadmill. Its funny though, whether its subconscious or not just as I start to feel a bit tired on comes Granite (only a couple of Pendulum tracks on the playlist...), and I'm off again. Feeling almost refreshed.

I fear what the other good people at the gym think of me, as I have this horrible feeling I'm trying to do some kind of dance moves whilst not looking at my best 3.5km into a run... Still there must be a benefit, right?

It is odd what music can do in other situations though, songs connect strongly to certain times in out life. Its also odd that there is always more music to listen to that at one time we've thought - 'Wouldn't it be good to hear...'. I've finally made a move on my list and dug out some Sufjan Stevens. So nice being able to sit and appreciate music again for the first time for a while.

One thing more, and I'm bad for editing posts after I've written them but there's a Marianne Williamson (from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles") quote that I think rings true at the moment:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

A Slight Cliché

To have a sweet disposition...

A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud

OK yeah its something people may have heard around and about, maybe just a slight cliché (lyrics are from Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap), it surprises me how lyrics hit me sometimes. Maybe I'm not patient enough to really connect suitably with poetry in the way that I can with a novel. Maybe I ought to give it a try.

Regrets are a funny thing. I suppose I'm guilty of looking back on the past with regret, because it did contain good times. Moving on isn't the easiest but I'm kind of holding onto the fact that its due to being stuck without a job in the middle of nowhere. Do I regret leaving my job? No, despite the hardships it has caused, and looking back it does seem strange in these economic times, and a daft, selfish decision. But you can't play out every scenario, and choose the one that suits the best. Though perhaps careful thought before hand should help! Also the knowledge that there right route is out there is a good one.

I suppose at the heart of this is a conversation with a mate of mine a few weeks ago now. I forget exactly why but the crux of it was that there are three things that you wish for your friends; a nice place to live, a job you enjoy and a good relationship. I guess that is the path that all of us want to travel and its that search that motivates us all. The good things in life, a quiet meal, good conversation.

The Search for Happiness

Its a strange thing I suppose, something you read a great deal about. Something I've kept thinking I need to go and search out. But exactly how do you do it? Creating this blog has been a bit of a strange thing for me, I wouldn't normally do something like this and comment so openly - but then it strikes home that I'm sitting here at twenty to two on a Saturday morning with nothing better to do than chip out a blog post. I suppose there's the problem in a nutshell.

In the time I've been between jobs I've read a few self-improvement books to get a flavour for ideas to enable this mystery search. The funny thing is that one thing they all say is that one should enjoy one's single life, embrace it and love it. Seems a bit of a strange one to me, the single bits of my life have probably been the least fun bits, ok so the time spent dating was a good time, but that seemed to be a fairly small proportion...

Travelling and Arriving

I like sitting on trains going places. Its a little bit like window shopping - you can look at places as they go past and you know that you wouldn't want to live anywhere near a town. But then you pass somewhere and think, hey yeah I could live there seems a good place. Granted there's no knowledge on whether the locals like to turn up with pitchforks when someone moves in but I think I've drawn the metaphor enough...

I spent some time wandering around a prospective new city, seems a nice place. It struck me how much of a similarity I was looking for to places past. At least if things do come off and I move I need to find a decent coffee shop; as I suspect I may be getting homesick for a mocha back at my old haunt!

So yeah in other news I decided to push myself out and about - boredom is a wonderful thing - and went speed dating. Yeah the first time I've ever done something like that, possibly the last. I don't want to say anything against the people as they were all good to talk to; and to be honest I had a good evening. But blimey I'm sure someone somewhere has referred to us as Generation-Y or the Bridget Jones Generation; I suppose the one that sticks with me is the fast-food generation - we want someone and want them now! I've heard various clubs I was in in my earlier 20s referred to as cattle-markets in the past but this was something else. I suppose you argue that I didn't know what to make of it, and you'd be right - I went along primarily to get out to chat to people.

It was certainly confidence building exercise it proved I'm not quite the social hermit I feared that I was. But I suppose everyone has their expectations and (though it sounds big-headed to say it) social circle and I'm not sure this was mine, didn't quite feel that I fitted in so well. So its an idea off the list for the moment.

The Past

I suppose everyone gets a bit irritated with themselves. Hey I did it enough to start this blog... Then suddenly its here and you remember you need to fill it with stuff like words occasionally, maybe even do some spell checking... That creepy uppy kind of thing, which I suppose is what life does sometimes. Whilst not wishing to bang on about being single again, I am - and maybe I thought it was time to do something about it so I'm open to suggestions; I keep thinking of trying match.com; but then I read other people's reports and I think when I move I might.

It seems like not the worst thing in the world, getting out and meeting people is what its about and I hate sitting behind a keyboard, the thought of having nothing more than that for the rest of my life fills me with a kind of dread. Which I suppose is where the odd comparison sprints in, given this is exactly what I'm doing here...

Hopefully I'm moving soon closer to a city than being out in the sticks. To say that I'm looking forward to moving would be an understatement, the fact I need a job to go to a minor inconvenience.

The Future...

I suppose its when I sit here writing this that I wonder why I started this in the first place. If anyone ever reads it then may I offer a welcome! Why and I writing it? I suppose just to note what is gong on around me at the moment - look at it in a few years and laugh at what I thought of at the time. The normal set of actions for a guy in his mid-late 20s, fresh out of enjoying University for quite a bit too long and coming out with a degree or two, then trying to figure out just what to do next. I suppose just looking for what most people want out of life, some bit of happiness somewhere! Or failing that at least a job...

So yeah confidence a go-go - I suppose there's a bunch of quotes from various famous figures that I could stick here, well yet anyway... There may be some stranger views but that is how things go. But hey there you go. I suppose its something about expectations, or at least finding some way of getting confidence! Gyms and stuff, it all seems like some form of hard work, but at least it seems worth it at the time.

So where is the start? Maybe a quote from Pride and Prejudice... "I'm twenty - seven years old, I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents and I'm frightened." Ah when literature (or at least the film...) echoes life; or at least for the eye that is too quick to try and draw parallels and a little over-dramatic. But well we all have times when we look too closely.