Inactivity...

I've not been writing much of late. Simply because I've not had the motivation. I'm trying to get some bits of my life in order and I'm not quite sure where it'll lead me. Some things haven't been too good for a while and I feel like I need to get control of them. Right now I just don't know how to; I'm scared to let things drift because I've done that in the past and I got lost in the wilderness - and I don't want to go back that way.

But I don't quite know how to get to where I want to be - maybe I need some kind of solid foundation somewhere - the difficulty is that I don't quite have that right now, and I'm not sure where to get it from. I've talked in the past about my lack of dating and I think that its the real difficult point - I didn't date from 16 to 26, and I've had nothing any way near concrete in the last 15 months or more. I guess I'm finding it difficult to get started right now; I've played around online, and with speed dating and neither have really gone anywhere - primarily because my location is a bit out of the way...

I guess I've spent some time questioning my job, and I've been advised to start looking by several friends which I assume means they've guessed that I'm not happy. But I feel blessed to have work in the current financial climate and I'm trying to justify spreading my wings and looking elsewhere.

Looking After Number One

Its something someone at work said to me the other day. Whilst I've never made my mood especially public, I've been off on one for a couple of weeks and I keep feeling like I'm being a bit of an idiot. But until it just feels part of the process of breaking myself free from all the shit that's been in my head.

The difficulty with the phrase is that for the first time I'm really wondering whether I actually know how to. Not in the sense of cooking, eating, dressing etc, but actually asking what the hell do I need to calm my mind down in some way, at least so that I can get more than four hours sleep a night and not have the same worries (relationships, self-image, body-image, past mistakes) re-appearing.

One suggestion that I've read about and been told about is to stand in front of a mirror and repeat a phrase about how good you are and how you deserve good stuff - it worked for a bit but kind of breaks when I slip back into the day and the weight of my past catches up. Without breaking my past I can't seem to make my future, but without being able to see a future there I hang onto the past because its all I know. I've got this picture of myself I'm trying to bring to the fore but its so tricky as I'm breaking out of the view people have of me, trying to remove the labels without ending up in the emperor's new clothes. Maybe I'm just searching for the right relationship with others, myself and someone special.

I'm...

... in an odd mood today (Sunday - Valentines...). I was out last night at a friend's houseparty and got home sometime this morning and eventually woke up in bed (and sleeping on the sofa for a while...) with a thumping hangover. A highly entertaining evening with a bit of guitar hero. My folks are heading up today to visit (I've been having some car problems and we're going to try and sort them...) so I rang them to confirm the time.

I found out that a member of the family had died. Whilst it wasn't a shock as they had been ill for a while. But when I was at my lowest last year it was an evening spent with him that persuaded me that I should pick myself up and that things weren't that bad. It didn't quite work but it started the process and I want to make every effort to attend his funeral.

But as I implied at the top its Valentines (granted not now but it was when I started the post). I thought being single for so long wouldn't make it tough this year. I was a bit wrong. I suppose it's thrown into sharp comparison because I've registered on a few internet dating sites. Spent part of party on saturday laughing about being single with a couple of guys in the loft (if you're wondering we were the only singles there...) and why none of us are especially enjoying it. I don't know, maybe its an age versus "decent" relationship ratio. Sounds daft I know!

Apologies small cut on the post from earlier, I wasn't going to hit post on it then did; the last paragraph was a result of ramblings just in from work, trying to sort out flights. My apologies, normal service to be resumed!

Somewhere in the Between...

"...is a life of which we all dream and nothing or no-one can ever take that away" - Streetlight Manifesto - Somewhere in the Between.

This blog can be accused of a lot of things, from self-aggrandisement to a bit of navel gazing. I'll admit that isn't quite the intention. I guess this is the second part of Why I write.... I suppose its something that I always knew. There isn't a magic fix all button out there. In my case something got pointed out very bluntly to me (a friend of mine described me as a robot that just worked permanently - he was right - and its how I got treated by a lot of people but I didn't do myself any favours). Unfortunately from there things can go two ways, I worked hard at putting right the things I didn't like. I lost my way, it took a lot of things that maybe I took for granted going away. I'm not proud of saying that - or of my subsequent actions.

Its that balance - work and life. Both of which being as quiet as a night on the Mary Celeste made me re-question well most things. But why? Simple - its the first time that I felt I was treated as a human, professionally but more so personally. Work was the easiest place to see it (not the most critical but the easiest) - I got told by my boss that I would get told what would be the things interesting me, that I didn't have the skills they wanted or needed, that the way out was just to work harder. That was a pretty big red flag.

But as I've said it wasn't the most important. That life aspect - its the one that most interests me from the self-help I've read - everybody says don't worry things will turn out right (there's this automatic assumption you have this group of people round you or are in a job you've taken out of actual desire for it) and as they are meant to. Well I have news on this front and an addendum I'd like to add - this is a pointless statement if you've somewhat isolated yourself socially; and for about 6-7 years I was and I couldn't see it (how to bury yourself in work part 1...). Because they won't work out unless you take that action, you'll be left sitting by yourself again wondering what exactly is going on. Well that was where I came into this from - and I knew I had to haul my backside out of it, and did but putting myself back into didn't seem the wisest move. But its time to rebuild, jobs, life, love and relationships.

Why I Write...

I've tried a few times to write something down as to why this blog came about - I've wanted to write this for a while as its really the culmination of a lot of earlier posts. Each time its been neatly saved in the drafts folder for future perusal.

So where does Past and Future Tense come from - well it is a reference to a good many things. I adore languages and I always remember the struggle of trying to come to terms with the different tenses. It seems so easy in English, but so hard to remember elsewhere...

Put simply its the finer things in life, the small things around me that I find fascinating. The small things that pass us by in life. I enjoy writing about them because it feels like you are in real contact with what is going on. I have to admit I adore the natural world.

When I started writing this blog I spent a couple of months unemployed having left a job I had only recently started. The situation with my relationship wasn't great, and came to a head very quickly; its no comfort to know that I messed up big time - and brought it on myself. Its one of those things, they go that way sometimes.

After righting myself I realised things had to change (Ben Folds and the week that was). Because things didn't feel quite right, you can keep plugging away but ending up in the same situation just didn't seem acceptable. Blatantly there's no big excuse for this, and as I've kept saying in the grand scheme of things in the world its no big thing, and believe me I know it isn't.

Writing gives me a bit of a release. It lets me put my thoughts down. I write instinctively - I'm a very poor editor. Its my way; I know what drives me, those little things. Unfortunately in taking the job that I did I lost a lot of the little things that kept me motivated. I've always said if I can do anything to prevent one person going down the route I've gone I'd do it.

But I'm not here to complain, because I know it doesn't help me. I've spent (too long) a time thinking about what went on. I have to admit I just wanted to find some way of solving things, but that wasn't the way it came across. Its that bit of real life thats important - the small things in life. Thats where the motto of needing to change things comes from. I suppose I kind of got mired in self-help, as I realised I had to do something. The crunch came when I read stuff that about happiness in yourself - maybe I misinterpreted it maybe the cases are hard to make out.

Unfortunately it isn't something that is a given right, or that will happen by magic (I spent years waiting for things to pick up - then got surprised when they didn't...). Its something you have to create (I figured I had to do something about it and challenge myself a bit more). I spent too long listening to various people extolling the virtues of why I should take a particular job. I forgot one thing, myself - I let myself get persuaded by too many factors that weren't true to me (if you're wondering money, power, perks and expectations as well just any old way to avoid the credit crunch). That wasn't the main thing though the prospect of spending 8 hours a day alone in an office, another 3 commuting by car then a quick supper and bed for the rest of my life without personal contact was the thing that made me snap - plus I didn't really care about the work that I was doing. For me the prospect of that life, that job hit me hard; but I let it impact all areas of my life and I shouldn't have.

Its a hard admission to make but at a colleagues (bosses boss) leaving do in my previous time there (8 years ago or so) I got told to my face in front of a number of people to go out, get a life and get laid or failing that just go get a prostitute. At the time I was shy and scared boy who didn't say anything and walked out. I wonder what my response would have been now sometimes - I suspect it may well have resulted in dismissal for a wide range of offenses. However, the guy was probably right in the get a life stakes - I did and it improved things no end. Unfortunately going back brought back the bad reminders...

Not just that, but as something I've hinted at before (Looking Around) I feel very selfish for walking out on a job when there's loads of people looking for work and the world economy is going down the pan. People lack the basic human necessities, earthquakes, typhoons and flooding dominate the news and I'm sitting here thinking something is up! Yeah perspective! Truth is my life is pretty ok in the big scheme of things (I have my health, and I know that I actually have a bit of choice about what I do) but maybe the little things were wrong. The fine grain of ourselves, but that is something we can take power over and make steps to put right. I'm not saying forget the big things. - I certainly haven't and don't ever intend to - I'm not making false promises here!

I leave this post with some wise words of Billy Connolly:
"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on"

Gut Feeling

There's a point that everything opens up in front of you and its one big mountain to climb (you could say bike to ride, then the falling off analogy works really well but I shall not be drawn on it...). There's a point where you want some kind of solution to appear; and its perfectly obvious no-one can find you a solution.

I suppose its a question of perspective. Its fair to say that I'm not best pleased at the moment - I suspect I'm too easily pushed in directions. I suppose I've read a bit too much self-help over the previous few months. There's a great deal of talk about why you need to know yourself and spend time doing it. I have to say its a point that I agree with but I would like to place a word of caution on it. I've spent a large proportion of my life single and its fair to say that I've not made the best choices sometimes for several years of my life for one reason or another and totally my own fault! But in the course of not staying single is when I've discovered and learned the most about myself.

Its given me a really good perspective of life - its given me a chance to know me and the kick up the backside to do something about it; unfortunately some of the good memories are missing. Maybe its time to try and redress some of that. Its a corny line but you get you're 20s once; you can make mistakes but the biggest (for me anyway) is wishing time away.

I truly hate it, and I'm stuck doing it at the moment, in some kind of half-space; because I know a decent job is out there, and I'm applying for them, but they all seem to have deadlines way off in the future - and there's this gulf in the middle where settling is difficult as I'm off again shortly hopefully.

Unfortunately wanting to fix things is good but isn't quite as simple as it sounds - once you let the cat out of the bag (so to speak) and you actually figure out what is going on; what it is that makes you tick. I suppose there's a moral to this story - gut-feelings are good; go with them, they are as right as you're going to get!

Parental Suggestion

This post for me is a difficult one to write. Its one of the more personal ones. Sitting around I've got a lot of time to sit and think. Probably too much time. Certainly given the time I've spent recently sitting on trains mainly listening to Marvin Gaye (Trouble Man). But I've been running back over the last couple of months.

Recently my parents celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. It was a great occasion with loads of family and friends around. It was that kind of bunch, fifty/sixty something - I felt a little out of place being the youngest by quite a way. However, the feeling of out of place was added to by the lonely chair next to me, necessary to make the numbers up and not split anyone else up...

Coupled with the fact my love life seemed to become choice conversation, especially with friends/relatives they don't see too often – as it always seems to, however, never in groups when I was around – so I'd hear bits of my personal life drifting past in other people's discussions. Nice and discreet as usual, I think I may have heard a couple of them whilst standing in the next room... My folks seem to have this inbuilt ability to do this – wherever we are, but especially if I've gone out for a meal with them, doubly so if a member of the service staff is coming to the table.

There's a bit of me that wonders whether this relationship pressure comes from the parents, the force to settle down. I've a feeling it does; doubly so if they expect you to be married by now and would like some grand kids please – whenever is convenient you know, but soon... Somehow the parental influence doesn't seem to diminish. I have to say I do love my family dearly but just once a little bit of space would be nice!

I'm impatient, and I don't think its just the coffee. I'm very eager to get things moving again in my life, as everything seemed to stop. Ready to move, ready to go and start again - something new, something good. It just seems that things don't always pan out that way, very close but no cigar to the last job, which was a shame as I liked the area, the job and the chance to sort things. Things need to get moving as I feel as if I'm starting to go just a bit crazy, slightly more shut in that I would like...

The Past

I suppose everyone gets a bit irritated with themselves. Hey I did it enough to start this blog... Then suddenly its here and you remember you need to fill it with stuff like words occasionally, maybe even do some spell checking... That creepy uppy kind of thing, which I suppose is what life does sometimes. Whilst not wishing to bang on about being single again, I am - and maybe I thought it was time to do something about it so I'm open to suggestions; I keep thinking of trying match.com; but then I read other people's reports and I think when I move I might.

It seems like not the worst thing in the world, getting out and meeting people is what its about and I hate sitting behind a keyboard, the thought of having nothing more than that for the rest of my life fills me with a kind of dread. Which I suppose is where the odd comparison sprints in, given this is exactly what I'm doing here...

Hopefully I'm moving soon closer to a city than being out in the sticks. To say that I'm looking forward to moving would be an understatement, the fact I need a job to go to a minor inconvenience.