Inactivity...

I've not been writing much of late. Simply because I've not had the motivation. I'm trying to get some bits of my life in order and I'm not quite sure where it'll lead me. Some things haven't been too good for a while and I feel like I need to get control of them. Right now I just don't know how to; I'm scared to let things drift because I've done that in the past and I got lost in the wilderness - and I don't want to go back that way.

But I don't quite know how to get to where I want to be - maybe I need some kind of solid foundation somewhere - the difficulty is that I don't quite have that right now, and I'm not sure where to get it from. I've talked in the past about my lack of dating and I think that its the real difficult point - I didn't date from 16 to 26, and I've had nothing any way near concrete in the last 15 months or more. I guess I'm finding it difficult to get started right now; I've played around online, and with speed dating and neither have really gone anywhere - primarily because my location is a bit out of the way...

I guess I've spent some time questioning my job, and I've been advised to start looking by several friends which I assume means they've guessed that I'm not happy. But I feel blessed to have work in the current financial climate and I'm trying to justify spreading my wings and looking elsewhere.

Written...

...on a train today, it might be a bit rough but I decided to go for it as it was...

Light begins to filter in through the window
I wonder what to run from
Whether it may finally be time to find out
The ghosts of the past seem to circle

Its fully light now
The Sun streams by
Flashing its brilliance
Ushering in the new day

Sleep is warm and all-encompassing
The dark brings the quietness
Restful, still fitful
Free to run from the rails

Quiet thoughts, flashing past
Half remembered dreams and memories
Cast aside when the light arrives
Half forgotten lullabies

Caught in the half light
A gentle dip
and I reach out
But you're not there

I don't want to write this post...

No really I don't. Because it sums a lot of things up maybe. So in short yes I went speed dating tonight - it was fun I guess but hardly earth shattering. Would I recommend it? Probably not but I'd say do it if you want.

But first, I stopped off on my way to writing this at a life of perfect days and read the post Soul connections. It sums up so much so well. Please read it.

So that's the easy bit out of the way. Now to come over all Carrie Bradshaw... I suppose the thing with speed dating is that it always shows you up for who you are. I am a fairly well-educated white middle-class guy with a good view on his future. I guess that I know what I'm looking for in my life, and boy did I not find it at this gig. But there's also a bit of me that feels slightly ashamed of thinking that way. But its who I am and I'm not sure I really want to change it, I think I may quite like it - I'd like to be Hugh Grant or Michael Palin, but I've heard that those jobs have already been taken. I've cut what was here as it sounded quite harsh, maybe too harsh.

But, and I guess that this is the thing; we're all searching for that connection. Can you find it though speed dating, I'm not so sure. I guess I'd be the first to ask whether you can find it through traditional dating, but maybe I'm just not someone who has been on enough dates to find out. Which is not a fine thing, but I guess I'm not generating enough interest to get those dates in the first place. So as the man says pick the bones out of that one. I guess I look back on it and realise that I just don't have the luck sometimes, or maybe I'm too picky, but surely that's my prerogative?

I say this almost while cracking my knuckles looking furtively over at Match.com which has hardly been a rich source - replies are really not flooding in. Maybe I'm just at the point of saying right I need a dating doctor/actually going out and hiring hitch. I still wonder about this. Before you ask, this isn't a kneejerk to speed dating, its a fairly longstanding consideration. It's why I booked myself on the aborted flirting class.

Just writing about this it occurred to me that those that can do, those that can't write about it.

So Now...

Its an interesting thing. I've been working on some things about myself, in a personal sense recently. I mentioned a while ago I'd booked myself onto a flirting workshop. The result? It didn't happen, cancelled due to myself being the only applicant. Ha! It seems quite ironic really, I did laugh at the time.

In the much vaunted world of dating, I've started on internet dating, taking Match.com on on their six month pledge... I'm off speed dating on Wednesday evening, probably, with some guys from work so I'm going to have to do a bit of work on thinking up some openers that both interesting and none work based as I've done it a couple of times before and conversations drifted to work - bah boring!

Love... Actually... Part II

So I didn't think I could find the video on Youtube, but I did, its here. So as I said last time, it really is a fluffy world that Richard Curtis creates, and its a shame its not really real. Why do I like this clip? One reason, and one reason alone, it gets me every time I watch it. What is it? Simply the look on Rufus' (Rowan Atkinson) face at the gate as he allows Sam to slip through. Just a look that says I'm doing this for you - its the most glorious smile you can see on someone's face and a fairly sharp contrast to some bits of the me culture in the modern world. Especially the doom and gloom of modern times.

Love... Actually....

This is a bit self-gratuitous, I apologise... I finally watched Love Actually the other week and it pulled at my heart strings just a little bit. One really nice scene (there is another that gets me every time, though I'm not going to reveal it...), the trouble with those things is that they always make you feel warm and fluffy then you remember the real world rather than the Richard Curtis inspired one which sadly isn't quite as nice... So on with my hackneyed view of the world. Misguided? Maybe, well-meaning? Hopefully always...

The first is here when Mark "talks" to Juliet with the carol singers backing. I just adore the phrasing of:

"But for now let me say,
without hope or agenda,
Just because its Christmas -
(and at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect

And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this:
Merry Christmas

Ok enough, enough now."

Maybe we all have these moments occasionally.

Night....

With apologies, like the last written off the cuff and posted, no proof-reading or editing.

The middle of the stars,
The blackest of the night,
Shining through,
True like an arrow

Piercing the deepest,
Lighting up the darkest,
Picking up the fallen,
Never knowing when beaten

Today is tomorrow,
The future a piece of the past,
Time pauses for no one,
But no one is unaccompanied

Something New... Part II

I wrote Something New... pretty quickly just putting thoughts down. It seemed to get somewhere and hit a few things for me. I guess its because I've spent part of today wandering around, a little shopping, a bit of tidying. Mainly thinking about work, generalities and other ways forward.

It occurred to me the last paragraph is a bit skewed. I don't want to sound critical of the guys that I'm around because I love them dearly as friends but somehow I need to branch out - get back a bit of freshness and vibrancy, as my evenings out generally are spent sitting round other people's houses with the same crew. That's where the flirting thing comes in (its a street workshop...), basically I'm not meeting new people right now and feeling that I'm in the right place.

I guess the last few months have put me in my place and I've realised what I liked about my life so much, and what I like in my life. To quote Bob Marley from "Wake Up and Live" on Survival:

“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality"

So pull the bones out of that one... I never stop being thankful for the things I've got in my life and the opportunities around me, its just a case of being mindful and making the most of them. I don't like to think that I ever have, but I'm mindful that its quite possible that I have in the past. Unfortunately whatever the case with those they can't be got back, even as bad I still feel about them.

I've asked and got asked a lot of interesting questions recently. Some of them more revealing than others. Getting a mirror held up to you is sometimes a scary prospect - I'm quite comfortable with the physical mirrors - I realised recently I've dropped something like 20kgs (44 lbs) over the last 4 years and I'm very much back in shape and spot on my fighting weight. But my head most definitely didn't respond well to having a mirror shown up to it - the question was whether to accept it, or do something. Things are hard to do (nice and oblique statement!).

In my time away I've read a great deal of books and information. I've been quite candid with revealing some of this as I'm actually quite embarrassed about it, as it doesn't seem right for a nearly 28 year-old to hold his hands up and admit to his dating shortcomings. My route into this was reading "The Game" by Neil Strauss. I have to admit it opened my eyes greatly.

As I've said I've been dateless for nearly a year now, my ex was the first girl I've really dated. Its a hard admission to make, but its true. Maybe this is the time and the place. I've realised its time to change things a bit - people turn round and say you'll meet people; well in my (old) life I didn't I was dateless for 26 long years, not meeting anybody.

But the information I saw in the community also opened my eyes as to some of the things that I've read around here - I've subscribed to various mailing lists and get about 5 emails a day all with various bits and pieces of advice in them. Some of them are good, like one I've just read, some are just plane scary. But from everything I've read round here on dating blogs it all kind of falls into place - especially meeting people and dating. But from my perspective its a case of me getting my game somewhere near order so that I can actually start meeting people again as its just something I've not been doing, I'm not desperate to settle down or get married or anything like (certainly not in the as soon as possible bracket) that just advance things from where they are! I guess I'm doing this as no-one teaches you this stuff and if you're a bit rubbish at it you need some help somewhere, I'm guessing this is my way...!

Something New...

So a new post, and its taken a while... This one isn't anything particularly earth-shattering just a couple of revelations. Especially around why I hate some phrases and what I'm up to right now.

So where am I? There's a question, the answer is the dating abyss - and I suppose its in direct contradiction to those fine people that tell you there's plenty more fish in the sea. Yeah I'm sure there are - but like fishing you need to go looking in the right places the sea is awfully big, and overfished... But a particular quotation from my ex-boss about cod springs to mind when I think about a lot of the other options.

So you might ask why is the man here prattling on? Well I guess its one of those things where everyone figures out what they're looking for in life. I know that I have, add up the things, take some more away and then you realise what you're left with and what you'd like to be left with.

So what am I doing you might ask, well having spent a bit of time, and a fair bit of money on internet dating and not got anywhere I've decided its time to take things a bit more seriously. I can't quite believe I'm saying this to the (portion of the) world that reads this blog, but I've admitted defeat and booked myself onto a flirting seminar later this month. To be honest I feel a bit of a loser for doing it, but I've been dateless for nearly a year, and before that a very good deal longer...

Therefore I shall throw myself into it, to be honest I find the whole internet dating thing a bit of a put off - meeting people is where its at, I'm just not having too much luck in that field right now. Maybe its time to pick my game up and actually do something about it. I say seminar its more of that kind of day session of just stopping and talking to people, which for me will be a good experience and maybe a bit of the push that I need. Because I do need a push, and as great as my friends are, and however much I enjoy their company I'm not going to get this level of pushing to get myself back somewhere near the dating game. Or in some way to actually get a dating game in the first place.

So we shall see how it goes!

Somewhere in the Between...

"...is a life of which we all dream and nothing or no-one can ever take that away" - Streetlight Manifesto - Somewhere in the Between.

This blog can be accused of a lot of things, from self-aggrandisement to a bit of navel gazing. I'll admit that isn't quite the intention. I guess this is the second part of Why I write.... I suppose its something that I always knew. There isn't a magic fix all button out there. In my case something got pointed out very bluntly to me (a friend of mine described me as a robot that just worked permanently - he was right - and its how I got treated by a lot of people but I didn't do myself any favours). Unfortunately from there things can go two ways, I worked hard at putting right the things I didn't like. I lost my way, it took a lot of things that maybe I took for granted going away. I'm not proud of saying that - or of my subsequent actions.

Its that balance - work and life. Both of which being as quiet as a night on the Mary Celeste made me re-question well most things. But why? Simple - its the first time that I felt I was treated as a human, professionally but more so personally. Work was the easiest place to see it (not the most critical but the easiest) - I got told by my boss that I would get told what would be the things interesting me, that I didn't have the skills they wanted or needed, that the way out was just to work harder. That was a pretty big red flag.

But as I've said it wasn't the most important. That life aspect - its the one that most interests me from the self-help I've read - everybody says don't worry things will turn out right (there's this automatic assumption you have this group of people round you or are in a job you've taken out of actual desire for it) and as they are meant to. Well I have news on this front and an addendum I'd like to add - this is a pointless statement if you've somewhat isolated yourself socially; and for about 6-7 years I was and I couldn't see it (how to bury yourself in work part 1...). Because they won't work out unless you take that action, you'll be left sitting by yourself again wondering what exactly is going on. Well that was where I came into this from - and I knew I had to haul my backside out of it, and did but putting myself back into didn't seem the wisest move. But its time to rebuild, jobs, life, love and relationships.

Why I Write...

I've tried a few times to write something down as to why this blog came about - I've wanted to write this for a while as its really the culmination of a lot of earlier posts. Each time its been neatly saved in the drafts folder for future perusal.

So where does Past and Future Tense come from - well it is a reference to a good many things. I adore languages and I always remember the struggle of trying to come to terms with the different tenses. It seems so easy in English, but so hard to remember elsewhere...

Put simply its the finer things in life, the small things around me that I find fascinating. The small things that pass us by in life. I enjoy writing about them because it feels like you are in real contact with what is going on. I have to admit I adore the natural world.

When I started writing this blog I spent a couple of months unemployed having left a job I had only recently started. The situation with my relationship wasn't great, and came to a head very quickly; its no comfort to know that I messed up big time - and brought it on myself. Its one of those things, they go that way sometimes.

After righting myself I realised things had to change (Ben Folds and the week that was). Because things didn't feel quite right, you can keep plugging away but ending up in the same situation just didn't seem acceptable. Blatantly there's no big excuse for this, and as I've kept saying in the grand scheme of things in the world its no big thing, and believe me I know it isn't.

Writing gives me a bit of a release. It lets me put my thoughts down. I write instinctively - I'm a very poor editor. Its my way; I know what drives me, those little things. Unfortunately in taking the job that I did I lost a lot of the little things that kept me motivated. I've always said if I can do anything to prevent one person going down the route I've gone I'd do it.

But I'm not here to complain, because I know it doesn't help me. I've spent (too long) a time thinking about what went on. I have to admit I just wanted to find some way of solving things, but that wasn't the way it came across. Its that bit of real life thats important - the small things in life. Thats where the motto of needing to change things comes from. I suppose I kind of got mired in self-help, as I realised I had to do something. The crunch came when I read stuff that about happiness in yourself - maybe I misinterpreted it maybe the cases are hard to make out.

Unfortunately it isn't something that is a given right, or that will happen by magic (I spent years waiting for things to pick up - then got surprised when they didn't...). Its something you have to create (I figured I had to do something about it and challenge myself a bit more). I spent too long listening to various people extolling the virtues of why I should take a particular job. I forgot one thing, myself - I let myself get persuaded by too many factors that weren't true to me (if you're wondering money, power, perks and expectations as well just any old way to avoid the credit crunch). That wasn't the main thing though the prospect of spending 8 hours a day alone in an office, another 3 commuting by car then a quick supper and bed for the rest of my life without personal contact was the thing that made me snap - plus I didn't really care about the work that I was doing. For me the prospect of that life, that job hit me hard; but I let it impact all areas of my life and I shouldn't have.

Its a hard admission to make but at a colleagues (bosses boss) leaving do in my previous time there (8 years ago or so) I got told to my face in front of a number of people to go out, get a life and get laid or failing that just go get a prostitute. At the time I was shy and scared boy who didn't say anything and walked out. I wonder what my response would have been now sometimes - I suspect it may well have resulted in dismissal for a wide range of offenses. However, the guy was probably right in the get a life stakes - I did and it improved things no end. Unfortunately going back brought back the bad reminders...

Not just that, but as something I've hinted at before (Looking Around) I feel very selfish for walking out on a job when there's loads of people looking for work and the world economy is going down the pan. People lack the basic human necessities, earthquakes, typhoons and flooding dominate the news and I'm sitting here thinking something is up! Yeah perspective! Truth is my life is pretty ok in the big scheme of things (I have my health, and I know that I actually have a bit of choice about what I do) but maybe the little things were wrong. The fine grain of ourselves, but that is something we can take power over and make steps to put right. I'm not saying forget the big things. - I certainly haven't and don't ever intend to - I'm not making false promises here!

I leave this post with some wise words of Billy Connolly:
"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on"

Decisions...

There's a point that everything makes sense. I was reminded recently of a conversation I had with an old friend of mine; we worked together for a bit and maybe didn't always see eye to eye. But as well as our set of three ideas of happiness we also chatted about work. I have the one thing he stressed was the gut-feeling, you know what is right for you. This point is true – you know what you want and what is the right course. If something, like a job, is presented to you on a plate then if its wrong, you know. That means you know the course you need to take, I'm guilty of not doing that; very guilty.

However, there is one further point that we made which is that if you try and force the situation then there is a good chance you could wind up with something wrong. Bide your time, have patience and confidence; you know what you want and what is right for you – don't compromise! Think about your decisions with regard to what you are! Me? Naïve? Certainly. A fool? Absolutely. Incurable romantic? Definitely.

Gut Feeling

There's a point that everything opens up in front of you and its one big mountain to climb (you could say bike to ride, then the falling off analogy works really well but I shall not be drawn on it...). There's a point where you want some kind of solution to appear; and its perfectly obvious no-one can find you a solution.

I suppose its a question of perspective. Its fair to say that I'm not best pleased at the moment - I suspect I'm too easily pushed in directions. I suppose I've read a bit too much self-help over the previous few months. There's a great deal of talk about why you need to know yourself and spend time doing it. I have to say its a point that I agree with but I would like to place a word of caution on it. I've spent a large proportion of my life single and its fair to say that I've not made the best choices sometimes for several years of my life for one reason or another and totally my own fault! But in the course of not staying single is when I've discovered and learned the most about myself.

Its given me a really good perspective of life - its given me a chance to know me and the kick up the backside to do something about it; unfortunately some of the good memories are missing. Maybe its time to try and redress some of that. Its a corny line but you get you're 20s once; you can make mistakes but the biggest (for me anyway) is wishing time away.

I truly hate it, and I'm stuck doing it at the moment, in some kind of half-space; because I know a decent job is out there, and I'm applying for them, but they all seem to have deadlines way off in the future - and there's this gulf in the middle where settling is difficult as I'm off again shortly hopefully.

Unfortunately wanting to fix things is good but isn't quite as simple as it sounds - once you let the cat out of the bag (so to speak) and you actually figure out what is going on; what it is that makes you tick. I suppose there's a moral to this story - gut-feelings are good; go with them, they are as right as you're going to get!

Parental Suggestion

This post for me is a difficult one to write. Its one of the more personal ones. Sitting around I've got a lot of time to sit and think. Probably too much time. Certainly given the time I've spent recently sitting on trains mainly listening to Marvin Gaye (Trouble Man). But I've been running back over the last couple of months.

Recently my parents celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. It was a great occasion with loads of family and friends around. It was that kind of bunch, fifty/sixty something - I felt a little out of place being the youngest by quite a way. However, the feeling of out of place was added to by the lonely chair next to me, necessary to make the numbers up and not split anyone else up...

Coupled with the fact my love life seemed to become choice conversation, especially with friends/relatives they don't see too often – as it always seems to, however, never in groups when I was around – so I'd hear bits of my personal life drifting past in other people's discussions. Nice and discreet as usual, I think I may have heard a couple of them whilst standing in the next room... My folks seem to have this inbuilt ability to do this – wherever we are, but especially if I've gone out for a meal with them, doubly so if a member of the service staff is coming to the table.

There's a bit of me that wonders whether this relationship pressure comes from the parents, the force to settle down. I've a feeling it does; doubly so if they expect you to be married by now and would like some grand kids please – whenever is convenient you know, but soon... Somehow the parental influence doesn't seem to diminish. I have to say I do love my family dearly but just once a little bit of space would be nice!

I'm impatient, and I don't think its just the coffee. I'm very eager to get things moving again in my life, as everything seemed to stop. Ready to move, ready to go and start again - something new, something good. It just seems that things don't always pan out that way, very close but no cigar to the last job, which was a shame as I liked the area, the job and the chance to sort things. Things need to get moving as I feel as if I'm starting to go just a bit crazy, slightly more shut in that I would like...

Golf... Life....

For the first time in a long time I went out and enjoyed a game of golf. The company that you have for the game makes such a difference. I can't say I played well - shot an 85, 5 over my handicap - which wasn't too clever, but a good walk and decent people made for a good afternoon.

It also occurred to me that most amateur players could benefit from going down the gym regularly. I'm no expert, and practice certainly helps, but being able to get around a round without looking like you're ill and dragging yourself in can't be good for you. I've noticed my own gym exertions have seemed to make me feel fresh from coming through 18, enough to go straight back out - which I think can only be a benefit!

Out this weekend back in my old haunts for a friend's birthday. Really good to see the old crowd and sit around talking; something that I definitely miss having ended up back. Motivation to get a job - massive! There's a time that you just hope something will happen, its difficult trying to push things to make sure they get there. A job, some form of a love life - its plain to see what has gone missing, gone wrong, in the last few months. Its a case of wanting to change I suppose, an indication of seeing things going wrong and a way of putting them right!

A Slight Cliché

To have a sweet disposition...

A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud

OK yeah its something people may have heard around and about, maybe just a slight cliché (lyrics are from Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap), it surprises me how lyrics hit me sometimes. Maybe I'm not patient enough to really connect suitably with poetry in the way that I can with a novel. Maybe I ought to give it a try.

Regrets are a funny thing. I suppose I'm guilty of looking back on the past with regret, because it did contain good times. Moving on isn't the easiest but I'm kind of holding onto the fact that its due to being stuck without a job in the middle of nowhere. Do I regret leaving my job? No, despite the hardships it has caused, and looking back it does seem strange in these economic times, and a daft, selfish decision. But you can't play out every scenario, and choose the one that suits the best. Though perhaps careful thought before hand should help! Also the knowledge that there right route is out there is a good one.

I suppose at the heart of this is a conversation with a mate of mine a few weeks ago now. I forget exactly why but the crux of it was that there are three things that you wish for your friends; a nice place to live, a job you enjoy and a good relationship. I guess that is the path that all of us want to travel and its that search that motivates us all. The good things in life, a quiet meal, good conversation.

The Search for Happiness

Its a strange thing I suppose, something you read a great deal about. Something I've kept thinking I need to go and search out. But exactly how do you do it? Creating this blog has been a bit of a strange thing for me, I wouldn't normally do something like this and comment so openly - but then it strikes home that I'm sitting here at twenty to two on a Saturday morning with nothing better to do than chip out a blog post. I suppose there's the problem in a nutshell.

In the time I've been between jobs I've read a few self-improvement books to get a flavour for ideas to enable this mystery search. The funny thing is that one thing they all say is that one should enjoy one's single life, embrace it and love it. Seems a bit of a strange one to me, the single bits of my life have probably been the least fun bits, ok so the time spent dating was a good time, but that seemed to be a fairly small proportion...