Questions and Answers

Its a funny thought, I've not posted much actual process in the recent weeks. It isn't that I've not been writing - there's a very long post in my temp folder that is getting reviewed, edited and generally preened - that was never the general plan for the blog as I wanted to write and publish to cut the editing filter out. It may or may not see the light of day, possibly in parts.

But what has crossed my mind as part of it was something I was thinking in the past. Maybe a common topic based around questions and answers. Knowing the questions is the first part. I once thought that knowing the answers would then solve the problem. But by trade I'm at least partially a mathematician and knowing the question and answer doesn't actually help lead to a final solution - remember math problems from school? Knowledge of both parts doesn't actually mean that you could deal with a similar problem again.

My problem? I got diagnosed with depression (many months ago, this blog started long after I'd finished treatment), maybe the knowledge that the black dog could always be there in the future - mistakes made in the past that brought me to this point. Quitting the job relieved a great deal of the problems and let me get myself straight - I can't describe the relief at walking out; I'd never go back to that. The fact that that wasn't it or enough maybe wasn't a shock. But maybe it isn't as easy as that - money isn't everything but a bit of comfort at least allows you to step away when you need.

Why this post? I'm not after sympathy; this blog is here to tell a story, and a personal one from a certain perspective. I don't know what can be defined as an end point, or where that point is. Its a road a lot of people have trod in the past and I have the utmost respect and admiration for them. Maybe some things are personal (and maybe painfully personal). That is the reason photos of me or any direct links don't appear here - possibly I want to distance myself slightly, I'm not quite sure - certainly I have absolutely no intention or wish of offending anyone with my words, that isn't the reason this blog started. But this is the ride and this blog a reflection of it - an accountable journal for thoughts; hopefully good times are ahead, time to make things good!

Earworms Part VI

A special song this one. Hypnotic, brilliant, for me one of the whole packages. Not just the song itself but the setting, especially in this video. I saw Radiohead live last year and they played Everything in its Right Place as part of the set. Live it is thrilling, doubly so with the light show - seeing the scrolling text in the bars was rather mesmerising. The use of electronics (Kaoss pads and delay pedals modifying the sampled vocals) I find fascinating, just for the whole atmosphere it creates!

The tram crash on the way home was less pleasurable, a minor derailment that brought down a couple of poles and very nearly hit Cafe Nero - I remember looking round to see a sign embedded in the door and thinking best not go out that way. But in a way added to the experience, thankfully everyone was fine - but it certainly made a talking point of the gig. This live footage is from Reading this year...

Earworms Part V

I simply adore this track. Its called "A Century of Elvis" by Belle and Sebastian (it uses the backing of "A Century of Fakers" and is on the "Lazy Line Painter Jane" EP), its just such a simple tune with a great story. Its just a wonderful narration of a great story; I considered putting the lyrics here but it has a lovely little twist that gets to me every time.

How to Disappear Completely...

Dublin absolutely fascinated me. I'm eager to go back, though I'd prefer somewhere different to reside as the hostel wasn't great... This photo was taken on St Patrick's Day 2008 looking down towards O'Connell street and the bridge at the bottom. The advantage with the poor accommodation was the motivation to get up and out for coffee and breakfast by myself in the morning, it was great to be out amongst the business traffic in the hustle and busy by myself. Wonderful city!

The photo always made me think of the Radiohead song "How to Disappear Completely", just floating down the Liffey.

Earworms Part IV

Another from 31 Songs that Changed my Life . This time is the funk influenced Brooklyn by Youngblood Brass Band. From the very first time I heard it its a track that just makes me want to get up and dance; so funky and the sounds in the sousaphone solo are phenomenal!

Earworms Part III

This is the first time that I've included one of the tunes from 31 Songs that Changed my Life in Earworms. The tune is Tamacun by Rodrigo Y Gabriela (this performance is from Later with Jools Holland in 2006). Somehow seeing it performed live tops the record, not just because the tempo is up, but seeing performers so into the music for me is part of the joy of watching a performance. Its something that just makes me wish I was better at guitar!

Wish You Were Here

Every so often I look back over these photos, and each time I always see something a little bit new. In a small point of self-indulgence this is one of the very few pictures I've ever actually titled with something more than a bald description of the contents. Its just a reminder of a real chilled out period of time.

I should just add the picture is looking out to the Andaman Sea from Patong Beach on Phuket.

Somewhere in the Between...

"...is a life of which we all dream and nothing or no-one can ever take that away" - Streetlight Manifesto - Somewhere in the Between.

This blog can be accused of a lot of things, from self-aggrandisement to a bit of navel gazing. I'll admit that isn't quite the intention. I guess this is the second part of Why I write.... I suppose its something that I always knew. There isn't a magic fix all button out there. In my case something got pointed out very bluntly to me (a friend of mine described me as a robot that just worked permanently - he was right - and its how I got treated by a lot of people but I didn't do myself any favours). Unfortunately from there things can go two ways, I worked hard at putting right the things I didn't like. I lost my way, it took a lot of things that maybe I took for granted going away. I'm not proud of saying that - or of my subsequent actions.

Its that balance - work and life. Both of which being as quiet as a night on the Mary Celeste made me re-question well most things. But why? Simple - its the first time that I felt I was treated as a human, professionally but more so personally. Work was the easiest place to see it (not the most critical but the easiest) - I got told by my boss that I would get told what would be the things interesting me, that I didn't have the skills they wanted or needed, that the way out was just to work harder. That was a pretty big red flag.

But as I've said it wasn't the most important. That life aspect - its the one that most interests me from the self-help I've read - everybody says don't worry things will turn out right (there's this automatic assumption you have this group of people round you or are in a job you've taken out of actual desire for it) and as they are meant to. Well I have news on this front and an addendum I'd like to add - this is a pointless statement if you've somewhat isolated yourself socially; and for about 6-7 years I was and I couldn't see it (how to bury yourself in work part 1...). Because they won't work out unless you take that action, you'll be left sitting by yourself again wondering what exactly is going on. Well that was where I came into this from - and I knew I had to haul my backside out of it, and did but putting myself back into didn't seem the wisest move. But its time to rebuild, jobs, life, love and relationships.

Black Dog

Many places have a story of a ghoulish, ghostly black dog that haunts the buildings. On the Isle of Man it is the Moddey Dhoo, and his place of residence is Peel Castle. Like a madman I climbed the adjacent hill to take this picture, which shows the ruins of the cathedral inside the grounds. Pretty much bent double into the wind which I would describe as battering ram strength. The state of the seas in the background give some indication, but I think that the stillness of the building clashes nicely with the ferocity of the waves!

Clover Over Dover

In a strange way I've never posted any pictures from the mainland UK, I realised that I don't actually have too many photos of the homeland. So I thought I'd post one of the more famous pictures. This picture is from the Dover-Calais ferry, I was on my way to Belgium at the time. It struck me as we sailed past just how beautiful they were - also on this occasion so close to the Remembrance Services the view they gave to troops crossing the channel and for the aircrew crossing them. Every time I take that ferry I always take time to stop, think and give thanks.

Earworms Part II

I couldn't get very far into this little idea without mentioning this track. Its one that I've listened to over and over - especially travelling as the whole album has such a chilled out vibe - plus Trevor Lawrence's sax playing sounds so good! anyway the track is T Plays It Cool from the Trouble Man soundtrack by Marvin Gaye. I'll be the first to admit that I've never seen the film, and that I only heard the track through a mix CD in the Another Late Night series by Fila Brazilia (Some details... although the allmusic review makes very interesting reading!)

Ah Mr Bond we've been expecting you...

Once again back to Thailand. The thin island is called Ko Tapu - locally its known as James Bond Island as it was featured in the Man with the Golden Gun. Bond duels with Scaramanga on the beach in front of the island just to the right of the shot. Unfortunately its full of small shops peddling very touristy merchandise. Its real shame. The soundtrack to this photo sounds just as it should in a tropical jungle - the classic soundtrack!

Why I Write...

I've tried a few times to write something down as to why this blog came about - I've wanted to write this for a while as its really the culmination of a lot of earlier posts. Each time its been neatly saved in the drafts folder for future perusal.

So where does Past and Future Tense come from - well it is a reference to a good many things. I adore languages and I always remember the struggle of trying to come to terms with the different tenses. It seems so easy in English, but so hard to remember elsewhere...

Put simply its the finer things in life, the small things around me that I find fascinating. The small things that pass us by in life. I enjoy writing about them because it feels like you are in real contact with what is going on. I have to admit I adore the natural world.

When I started writing this blog I spent a couple of months unemployed having left a job I had only recently started. The situation with my relationship wasn't great, and came to a head very quickly; its no comfort to know that I messed up big time - and brought it on myself. Its one of those things, they go that way sometimes.

After righting myself I realised things had to change (Ben Folds and the week that was). Because things didn't feel quite right, you can keep plugging away but ending up in the same situation just didn't seem acceptable. Blatantly there's no big excuse for this, and as I've kept saying in the grand scheme of things in the world its no big thing, and believe me I know it isn't.

Writing gives me a bit of a release. It lets me put my thoughts down. I write instinctively - I'm a very poor editor. Its my way; I know what drives me, those little things. Unfortunately in taking the job that I did I lost a lot of the little things that kept me motivated. I've always said if I can do anything to prevent one person going down the route I've gone I'd do it.

But I'm not here to complain, because I know it doesn't help me. I've spent (too long) a time thinking about what went on. I have to admit I just wanted to find some way of solving things, but that wasn't the way it came across. Its that bit of real life thats important - the small things in life. Thats where the motto of needing to change things comes from. I suppose I kind of got mired in self-help, as I realised I had to do something. The crunch came when I read stuff that about happiness in yourself - maybe I misinterpreted it maybe the cases are hard to make out.

Unfortunately it isn't something that is a given right, or that will happen by magic (I spent years waiting for things to pick up - then got surprised when they didn't...). Its something you have to create (I figured I had to do something about it and challenge myself a bit more). I spent too long listening to various people extolling the virtues of why I should take a particular job. I forgot one thing, myself - I let myself get persuaded by too many factors that weren't true to me (if you're wondering money, power, perks and expectations as well just any old way to avoid the credit crunch). That wasn't the main thing though the prospect of spending 8 hours a day alone in an office, another 3 commuting by car then a quick supper and bed for the rest of my life without personal contact was the thing that made me snap - plus I didn't really care about the work that I was doing. For me the prospect of that life, that job hit me hard; but I let it impact all areas of my life and I shouldn't have.

Its a hard admission to make but at a colleagues (bosses boss) leaving do in my previous time there (8 years ago or so) I got told to my face in front of a number of people to go out, get a life and get laid or failing that just go get a prostitute. At the time I was shy and scared boy who didn't say anything and walked out. I wonder what my response would have been now sometimes - I suspect it may well have resulted in dismissal for a wide range of offenses. However, the guy was probably right in the get a life stakes - I did and it improved things no end. Unfortunately going back brought back the bad reminders...

Not just that, but as something I've hinted at before (Looking Around) I feel very selfish for walking out on a job when there's loads of people looking for work and the world economy is going down the pan. People lack the basic human necessities, earthquakes, typhoons and flooding dominate the news and I'm sitting here thinking something is up! Yeah perspective! Truth is my life is pretty ok in the big scheme of things (I have my health, and I know that I actually have a bit of choice about what I do) but maybe the little things were wrong. The fine grain of ourselves, but that is something we can take power over and make steps to put right. I'm not saying forget the big things. - I certainly haven't and don't ever intend to - I'm not making false promises here!

I leave this post with some wise words of Billy Connolly:
"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on"

So Here We Are

Another on the PhD travels... This time from Prague, more specifically Dejvica (Prague 6). I was staying in a rudimentary (travelling PhD student=as cheap a hotel as possible) but fantastic little hotel (the breakfast was something to be seen to be believed...). Its one of the first times I'd found myself alone in a city so I took some time to explore. I got thoroughly lost! Anyway winding back I came across the rail lines and this photo kind of struck me, I've never quite been sure why as I've never been one for the railways - I think it was purely to do with the straightness of the lines at that point just as the Sun went down.

Brush the Cobwebs Out of the Sky

A photo from the south coast on Cuba. A really great evening, though I got bitten to death by midges actually getting the picture. I spent the evening watching a Cuban version of Boyzone drinking espresso by the bucket load - that wasn't a great plan as I didn't sleep for about 3 days afterwards...

I had a few attempts at this picture, it isn't perfect as there is a lighthouse in the bottom left corner and I wanted to catch the light full on to counter the sunset through the tree. It worked, a bit but the light was really starting to fade fast!

Earworms Part I

Its strange when a song gets stuck in your head. With this one I'm quite happy there's no lyrics as its makes it so much easier. I started learning salsa about 3 months ago and this is a tune played frequently - its called Via by Al Delory. Nice, smooth and a great piano led tune that just keeps going!

In Bruges

Out of all the places that I've been, I have to say I would always be happy to go to the Benelux - not that I've been to many of them but they are somewhere I could go back to time and time again. Out of them I have only visited Belgium, but there is something about the place that keeps attracting me back. Its fair to say I'm one for cafe culture, and from that its very easy just to sink into these places. I have this very European attitude whereby I can quite happily sit in a cafe all day providing the coffee is good and watch the world go by - the same thing just doesn't seem to work in Starbucks.

The first photo is from Bruges, its quite the famous photo but taken from a different angle, just round the corner missing the clock tower. Its a special photo for a lot of reasons, not just because I like it as a picture. I also have it as a painting produced by my father which sat by my desk at work for about two years giving me something wonderful to look at!



Moving slightly further, I've only ever spent a day in Ghent. It wasn't really long enough to get a good impression and I need to go back for a while just to soak into the place a little more. But whilst wandering through I noticed some quite astounding graffiti on the side of a shop it really did stop me in my tracks.

Not Perfect

Not Perfect by Tim Minchin

This is my Earth
And I live in it
It's one third dirt
And two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair
And here's the really weird thing
The force created by its spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

This is my Earth
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my country
And I live in it
It's pretty big
And nice to walk on And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And taught us to be fearful and boring
And the weirdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrow

This is my country
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my house
And I live in it
It's made of cracks
And photographs
We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy
Who bought it from a guy
Whose granddad left it to him
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in

This is my house
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect
But it's mine

This is my body
And I live in it
It's 31
And 6 months old
It's changed a lot since it was new
It's done stuff it wasn't built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my brain
And I live in it
It's made of love
And bad song lyrics
It's tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
Cos God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weirdest thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis of a brand new cliché

This is my brain
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect
I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it
It's not perfect
But it's mine

Rockin' the Suburbs

I was flipping through a set of photos recently, and came across this one. Its taken on Koh Panyee; the island is a little touristy but not nearly as much as it might. Of the many places we visited that day it left a big impact. Yes there is the tourist restaurant and bazaar. But it was something you could get past, and when you did you ended up in a small school - bunches of kids playing football, just a bit of daily life.