Inactivity...

I've not been writing much of late. Simply because I've not had the motivation. I'm trying to get some bits of my life in order and I'm not quite sure where it'll lead me. Some things haven't been too good for a while and I feel like I need to get control of them. Right now I just don't know how to; I'm scared to let things drift because I've done that in the past and I got lost in the wilderness - and I don't want to go back that way.

But I don't quite know how to get to where I want to be - maybe I need some kind of solid foundation somewhere - the difficulty is that I don't quite have that right now, and I'm not sure where to get it from. I've talked in the past about my lack of dating and I think that its the real difficult point - I didn't date from 16 to 26, and I've had nothing any way near concrete in the last 15 months or more. I guess I'm finding it difficult to get started right now; I've played around online, and with speed dating and neither have really gone anywhere - primarily because my location is a bit out of the way...

I guess I've spent some time questioning my job, and I've been advised to start looking by several friends which I assume means they've guessed that I'm not happy. But I feel blessed to have work in the current financial climate and I'm trying to justify spreading my wings and looking elsewhere.

Somewhere in the Between...

"...is a life of which we all dream and nothing or no-one can ever take that away" - Streetlight Manifesto - Somewhere in the Between.

This blog can be accused of a lot of things, from self-aggrandisement to a bit of navel gazing. I'll admit that isn't quite the intention. I guess this is the second part of Why I write.... I suppose its something that I always knew. There isn't a magic fix all button out there. In my case something got pointed out very bluntly to me (a friend of mine described me as a robot that just worked permanently - he was right - and its how I got treated by a lot of people but I didn't do myself any favours). Unfortunately from there things can go two ways, I worked hard at putting right the things I didn't like. I lost my way, it took a lot of things that maybe I took for granted going away. I'm not proud of saying that - or of my subsequent actions.

Its that balance - work and life. Both of which being as quiet as a night on the Mary Celeste made me re-question well most things. But why? Simple - its the first time that I felt I was treated as a human, professionally but more so personally. Work was the easiest place to see it (not the most critical but the easiest) - I got told by my boss that I would get told what would be the things interesting me, that I didn't have the skills they wanted or needed, that the way out was just to work harder. That was a pretty big red flag.

But as I've said it wasn't the most important. That life aspect - its the one that most interests me from the self-help I've read - everybody says don't worry things will turn out right (there's this automatic assumption you have this group of people round you or are in a job you've taken out of actual desire for it) and as they are meant to. Well I have news on this front and an addendum I'd like to add - this is a pointless statement if you've somewhat isolated yourself socially; and for about 6-7 years I was and I couldn't see it (how to bury yourself in work part 1...). Because they won't work out unless you take that action, you'll be left sitting by yourself again wondering what exactly is going on. Well that was where I came into this from - and I knew I had to haul my backside out of it, and did but putting myself back into didn't seem the wisest move. But its time to rebuild, jobs, life, love and relationships.

Why I Write...

I've tried a few times to write something down as to why this blog came about - I've wanted to write this for a while as its really the culmination of a lot of earlier posts. Each time its been neatly saved in the drafts folder for future perusal.

So where does Past and Future Tense come from - well it is a reference to a good many things. I adore languages and I always remember the struggle of trying to come to terms with the different tenses. It seems so easy in English, but so hard to remember elsewhere...

Put simply its the finer things in life, the small things around me that I find fascinating. The small things that pass us by in life. I enjoy writing about them because it feels like you are in real contact with what is going on. I have to admit I adore the natural world.

When I started writing this blog I spent a couple of months unemployed having left a job I had only recently started. The situation with my relationship wasn't great, and came to a head very quickly; its no comfort to know that I messed up big time - and brought it on myself. Its one of those things, they go that way sometimes.

After righting myself I realised things had to change (Ben Folds and the week that was). Because things didn't feel quite right, you can keep plugging away but ending up in the same situation just didn't seem acceptable. Blatantly there's no big excuse for this, and as I've kept saying in the grand scheme of things in the world its no big thing, and believe me I know it isn't.

Writing gives me a bit of a release. It lets me put my thoughts down. I write instinctively - I'm a very poor editor. Its my way; I know what drives me, those little things. Unfortunately in taking the job that I did I lost a lot of the little things that kept me motivated. I've always said if I can do anything to prevent one person going down the route I've gone I'd do it.

But I'm not here to complain, because I know it doesn't help me. I've spent (too long) a time thinking about what went on. I have to admit I just wanted to find some way of solving things, but that wasn't the way it came across. Its that bit of real life thats important - the small things in life. Thats where the motto of needing to change things comes from. I suppose I kind of got mired in self-help, as I realised I had to do something. The crunch came when I read stuff that about happiness in yourself - maybe I misinterpreted it maybe the cases are hard to make out.

Unfortunately it isn't something that is a given right, or that will happen by magic (I spent years waiting for things to pick up - then got surprised when they didn't...). Its something you have to create (I figured I had to do something about it and challenge myself a bit more). I spent too long listening to various people extolling the virtues of why I should take a particular job. I forgot one thing, myself - I let myself get persuaded by too many factors that weren't true to me (if you're wondering money, power, perks and expectations as well just any old way to avoid the credit crunch). That wasn't the main thing though the prospect of spending 8 hours a day alone in an office, another 3 commuting by car then a quick supper and bed for the rest of my life without personal contact was the thing that made me snap - plus I didn't really care about the work that I was doing. For me the prospect of that life, that job hit me hard; but I let it impact all areas of my life and I shouldn't have.

Its a hard admission to make but at a colleagues (bosses boss) leaving do in my previous time there (8 years ago or so) I got told to my face in front of a number of people to go out, get a life and get laid or failing that just go get a prostitute. At the time I was shy and scared boy who didn't say anything and walked out. I wonder what my response would have been now sometimes - I suspect it may well have resulted in dismissal for a wide range of offenses. However, the guy was probably right in the get a life stakes - I did and it improved things no end. Unfortunately going back brought back the bad reminders...

Not just that, but as something I've hinted at before (Looking Around) I feel very selfish for walking out on a job when there's loads of people looking for work and the world economy is going down the pan. People lack the basic human necessities, earthquakes, typhoons and flooding dominate the news and I'm sitting here thinking something is up! Yeah perspective! Truth is my life is pretty ok in the big scheme of things (I have my health, and I know that I actually have a bit of choice about what I do) but maybe the little things were wrong. The fine grain of ourselves, but that is something we can take power over and make steps to put right. I'm not saying forget the big things. - I certainly haven't and don't ever intend to - I'm not making false promises here!

I leave this post with some wise words of Billy Connolly:
"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on"

Looking Around

So much to say, so few words. Been sat around most of the evening - not having the best of time; but its these times that remind you that being happy where you are is important and if you're not something needs to be done. Unfortunately the chances need to be there and if they aren't they need searching out.

Another day, another interview which is good news. But there is such a motivation to get on right now; I suppose the heart of the problem is comparison; and the look of it from various points of view. Because it sounds selfish, dropping a job and trying to improve my own conditions when there is so much going wrong around and about. Putting up and shutting up might have been simpler.

I suppose its the siting around; too much, too regularly. Its a personal thing I guess, I've always been someone who wanted to get on and fix things. I guess its that that is causing me some restlessness right now. Well that and some music choices... Listening to "White Wine in the Sun" by Tim Minchin has kind of made me a bit sentimental for times past.

Confidence is a Preference for the Habitual Voyeur....

Keeping with the song lyrics...

Anyway; keeping up with themes. What is going on, well the first point is an interview at the start of next week. I can't quite figure out how I feel about it nervous, kind of looking forward to it but also thinking I'm not quite sure about some things - other things look good, but lets wait and see!

At present I've got a lot of people pulling for me which is nice. But I'm in a position where I don't really want to offend anyone, again it sounds odd to say it especially in these times but I'm in the process of walking away from another job offer. I felt it had all the hallmarks of the previous one that caused problems, but as with the other its one that I've been put forward for rather than applying directly, so it feels like I'm letting people down. But right choice I think, hopefully consequences won't be too severe.

However, the point to this post; well maybe anyway. As I've posted in the past I've probably spent a bit too long reading self-help books recently. A good deal of the advice on offer is to simply get out there and get some confident or keep trying until you do - its a poor summary I know and there are some other bits, and what can I say I'm working on them! I suppose its a personal point of view, but I suppose I've got very introspective of late and the last 6/7 months has forced me to look over how I was living my life; and I wasn't too happy. Therefore I retreated into the self-help, but I realised its only the outline of the path. You've got to actually tread it yourself.

So I'm starting to get out there and push myself a bit more; start some new hobbies - one that surprised me is that I've started Salsa; granted I'm not the greatest yet but its fun and you get out and there's plenty of people around for a bit of a chat. Still got to go to an evening but I'm thinking I need to improve before that!

Decisions...

There's a point that everything makes sense. I was reminded recently of a conversation I had with an old friend of mine; we worked together for a bit and maybe didn't always see eye to eye. But as well as our set of three ideas of happiness we also chatted about work. I have the one thing he stressed was the gut-feeling, you know what is right for you. This point is true – you know what you want and what is the right course. If something, like a job, is presented to you on a plate then if its wrong, you know. That means you know the course you need to take, I'm guilty of not doing that; very guilty.

However, there is one further point that we made which is that if you try and force the situation then there is a good chance you could wind up with something wrong. Bide your time, have patience and confidence; you know what you want and what is right for you – don't compromise! Think about your decisions with regard to what you are! Me? Naïve? Certainly. A fool? Absolutely. Incurable romantic? Definitely.

Gut Feeling

There's a point that everything opens up in front of you and its one big mountain to climb (you could say bike to ride, then the falling off analogy works really well but I shall not be drawn on it...). There's a point where you want some kind of solution to appear; and its perfectly obvious no-one can find you a solution.

I suppose its a question of perspective. Its fair to say that I'm not best pleased at the moment - I suspect I'm too easily pushed in directions. I suppose I've read a bit too much self-help over the previous few months. There's a great deal of talk about why you need to know yourself and spend time doing it. I have to say its a point that I agree with but I would like to place a word of caution on it. I've spent a large proportion of my life single and its fair to say that I've not made the best choices sometimes for several years of my life for one reason or another and totally my own fault! But in the course of not staying single is when I've discovered and learned the most about myself.

Its given me a really good perspective of life - its given me a chance to know me and the kick up the backside to do something about it; unfortunately some of the good memories are missing. Maybe its time to try and redress some of that. Its a corny line but you get you're 20s once; you can make mistakes but the biggest (for me anyway) is wishing time away.

I truly hate it, and I'm stuck doing it at the moment, in some kind of half-space; because I know a decent job is out there, and I'm applying for them, but they all seem to have deadlines way off in the future - and there's this gulf in the middle where settling is difficult as I'm off again shortly hopefully.

Unfortunately wanting to fix things is good but isn't quite as simple as it sounds - once you let the cat out of the bag (so to speak) and you actually figure out what is going on; what it is that makes you tick. I suppose there's a moral to this story - gut-feelings are good; go with them, they are as right as you're going to get!

The Search for Good News...

It sounds selfish to say this but I don't mean this as a look at the general world (though good world news is always a positive). But there are a great many times that I've opened my emails and hoped for some good news. It seems to be becoming more frequent again in the way it was a few months ago. Good things occurred, and I was amazed. News was delivered and it was good. But now news has turned and I'm back watching email hoping for something good.

It seems odd because you try hard to make things happen and then you just end up sitting and waiting. I have to say I've realised that I don't really like being out of work, somehow out of the pattern that I was so used to. There's a poem by Matt Harvey called Don't Ask that I feel sums everything up really well.

Yes I walked out of a job, and I have to say that a day doesn't go by when I'm not relieved that I took the choice - I would have had to spend three years retraining for a job that I had no interest in doing, financially it maybe wasn't the best choice maybe not even career wise; but sometimes you just know it is the right decision. In many ways it is a shame I didn't take it earlier; much, much earlier - you may question how I got through the interviews, got offered the position and accepted it; I know I do. But by heck I'd like a job now please - there is the hope for good news on the wings of an email that drives this post! To get back and see Step 1 of the plan of an indeterminate number of steps.

Golf... Life....

For the first time in a long time I went out and enjoyed a game of golf. The company that you have for the game makes such a difference. I can't say I played well - shot an 85, 5 over my handicap - which wasn't too clever, but a good walk and decent people made for a good afternoon.

It also occurred to me that most amateur players could benefit from going down the gym regularly. I'm no expert, and practice certainly helps, but being able to get around a round without looking like you're ill and dragging yourself in can't be good for you. I've noticed my own gym exertions have seemed to make me feel fresh from coming through 18, enough to go straight back out - which I think can only be a benefit!

Out this weekend back in my old haunts for a friend's birthday. Really good to see the old crowd and sit around talking; something that I definitely miss having ended up back. Motivation to get a job - massive! There's a time that you just hope something will happen, its difficult trying to push things to make sure they get there. A job, some form of a love life - its plain to see what has gone missing, gone wrong, in the last few months. Its a case of wanting to change I suppose, an indication of seeing things going wrong and a way of putting them right!

Conquering

Well not exactly a fear, but I really enjoy going out to a restaurant to eat, there's just something about it. I've not been doing enough of it mainly because I don't have company and going out to eat by yourself sucks; big time. But I'm away on interview duty again so it was a must. The meal was seriously good, but the company was lacking - sitting by yourself doesn't lead to riveting conversation. I have to say its something I've done before when I've been abroad with work, but it's kind of excusable and the waiting staff are always keen to talk and practice their English! I went out for a couple of drinks as well and it did strike me that I looked a bit of an alcoholic sitting alone supping on a pint of something continental.

I suppose its a part of the personal mentality - why shouldn't you go out for dinner by yourself? Well its a bit dull sitting in a restaurant full of people looking at you as if there's something wrong and the waiting staff looking on with sympathy like you've been stood up...

In the parlance of the new world of football manager - this project still has a long way to go yet and a lot of work is still required. Step 1 I think is getting a job!

Also I'm becoming less and less convinced about coffee from train stations - the last two weeks I've been to the same outlet in a fairly major regional station that I don't go through regularly - I've been distinctly unimpressed, I value my coffee its been a big part of my daily routine for the last few years and I object to being served something seriously substandard at a not cheap price. I'll name no names (but it isn't one of the big ones...) but I've had better instant - do these kind of places have anywhere you can let them know what you think?

A Slight Cliché

To have a sweet disposition...

A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud

OK yeah its something people may have heard around and about, maybe just a slight cliché (lyrics are from Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap), it surprises me how lyrics hit me sometimes. Maybe I'm not patient enough to really connect suitably with poetry in the way that I can with a novel. Maybe I ought to give it a try.

Regrets are a funny thing. I suppose I'm guilty of looking back on the past with regret, because it did contain good times. Moving on isn't the easiest but I'm kind of holding onto the fact that its due to being stuck without a job in the middle of nowhere. Do I regret leaving my job? No, despite the hardships it has caused, and looking back it does seem strange in these economic times, and a daft, selfish decision. But you can't play out every scenario, and choose the one that suits the best. Though perhaps careful thought before hand should help! Also the knowledge that there right route is out there is a good one.

I suppose at the heart of this is a conversation with a mate of mine a few weeks ago now. I forget exactly why but the crux of it was that there are three things that you wish for your friends; a nice place to live, a job you enjoy and a good relationship. I guess that is the path that all of us want to travel and its that search that motivates us all. The good things in life, a quiet meal, good conversation.

The Search for Happiness

Its a strange thing I suppose, something you read a great deal about. Something I've kept thinking I need to go and search out. But exactly how do you do it? Creating this blog has been a bit of a strange thing for me, I wouldn't normally do something like this and comment so openly - but then it strikes home that I'm sitting here at twenty to two on a Saturday morning with nothing better to do than chip out a blog post. I suppose there's the problem in a nutshell.

In the time I've been between jobs I've read a few self-improvement books to get a flavour for ideas to enable this mystery search. The funny thing is that one thing they all say is that one should enjoy one's single life, embrace it and love it. Seems a bit of a strange one to me, the single bits of my life have probably been the least fun bits, ok so the time spent dating was a good time, but that seemed to be a fairly small proportion...

Travelling and Arriving

I like sitting on trains going places. Its a little bit like window shopping - you can look at places as they go past and you know that you wouldn't want to live anywhere near a town. But then you pass somewhere and think, hey yeah I could live there seems a good place. Granted there's no knowledge on whether the locals like to turn up with pitchforks when someone moves in but I think I've drawn the metaphor enough...

I spent some time wandering around a prospective new city, seems a nice place. It struck me how much of a similarity I was looking for to places past. At least if things do come off and I move I need to find a decent coffee shop; as I suspect I may be getting homesick for a mocha back at my old haunt!

So yeah in other news I decided to push myself out and about - boredom is a wonderful thing - and went speed dating. Yeah the first time I've ever done something like that, possibly the last. I don't want to say anything against the people as they were all good to talk to; and to be honest I had a good evening. But blimey I'm sure someone somewhere has referred to us as Generation-Y or the Bridget Jones Generation; I suppose the one that sticks with me is the fast-food generation - we want someone and want them now! I've heard various clubs I was in in my earlier 20s referred to as cattle-markets in the past but this was something else. I suppose you argue that I didn't know what to make of it, and you'd be right - I went along primarily to get out to chat to people.

It was certainly confidence building exercise it proved I'm not quite the social hermit I feared that I was. But I suppose everyone has their expectations and (though it sounds big-headed to say it) social circle and I'm not sure this was mine, didn't quite feel that I fitted in so well. So its an idea off the list for the moment.

The Past

I suppose everyone gets a bit irritated with themselves. Hey I did it enough to start this blog... Then suddenly its here and you remember you need to fill it with stuff like words occasionally, maybe even do some spell checking... That creepy uppy kind of thing, which I suppose is what life does sometimes. Whilst not wishing to bang on about being single again, I am - and maybe I thought it was time to do something about it so I'm open to suggestions; I keep thinking of trying match.com; but then I read other people's reports and I think when I move I might.

It seems like not the worst thing in the world, getting out and meeting people is what its about and I hate sitting behind a keyboard, the thought of having nothing more than that for the rest of my life fills me with a kind of dread. Which I suppose is where the odd comparison sprints in, given this is exactly what I'm doing here...

Hopefully I'm moving soon closer to a city than being out in the sticks. To say that I'm looking forward to moving would be an understatement, the fact I need a job to go to a minor inconvenience.

The Future...

I suppose its when I sit here writing this that I wonder why I started this in the first place. If anyone ever reads it then may I offer a welcome! Why and I writing it? I suppose just to note what is gong on around me at the moment - look at it in a few years and laugh at what I thought of at the time. The normal set of actions for a guy in his mid-late 20s, fresh out of enjoying University for quite a bit too long and coming out with a degree or two, then trying to figure out just what to do next. I suppose just looking for what most people want out of life, some bit of happiness somewhere! Or failing that at least a job...

So yeah confidence a go-go - I suppose there's a bunch of quotes from various famous figures that I could stick here, well yet anyway... There may be some stranger views but that is how things go. But hey there you go. I suppose its something about expectations, or at least finding some way of getting confidence! Gyms and stuff, it all seems like some form of hard work, but at least it seems worth it at the time.

So where is the start? Maybe a quote from Pride and Prejudice... "I'm twenty - seven years old, I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents and I'm frightened." Ah when literature (or at least the film...) echoes life; or at least for the eye that is too quick to try and draw parallels and a little over-dramatic. But well we all have times when we look too closely.