Earworms XXI

I saw the RX Bandits when they were in the UK a few months ago. Awesome gig, was just a bit annoyed I couldn't get any earplugs and forgot mine. Musically they are one of the most solid and talented (technically) bands I've ever seen (ok behind Radiohead!). Just a lot of fun, whilst they didn't play this I still think it's one of my favourite tracks off Mandala.

Earworms XX

"Hong Kong" by Gorillaz. Lets be honest I missed Gorillaz first time out. But everytime I listen to tracks at the moment I find them amazing and spell-binding. Really quite-mainstream but I feel like giving it a mention!

Earworms XIX

Just a short one... If the music isn't quite right the video is stunning - the opening is from Project Excelsior the highest parachute jump, and a whole other set of world records. The track is "Dayvan Cowboy" by Boards of Canada.

Inactivity...

I've not been writing much of late. Simply because I've not had the motivation. I'm trying to get some bits of my life in order and I'm not quite sure where it'll lead me. Some things haven't been too good for a while and I feel like I need to get control of them. Right now I just don't know how to; I'm scared to let things drift because I've done that in the past and I got lost in the wilderness - and I don't want to go back that way.

But I don't quite know how to get to where I want to be - maybe I need some kind of solid foundation somewhere - the difficulty is that I don't quite have that right now, and I'm not sure where to get it from. I've talked in the past about my lack of dating and I think that its the real difficult point - I didn't date from 16 to 26, and I've had nothing any way near concrete in the last 15 months or more. I guess I'm finding it difficult to get started right now; I've played around online, and with speed dating and neither have really gone anywhere - primarily because my location is a bit out of the way...

I guess I've spent some time questioning my job, and I've been advised to start looking by several friends which I assume means they've guessed that I'm not happy. But I feel blessed to have work in the current financial climate and I'm trying to justify spreading my wings and looking elsewhere.

Written...

...on a train today, it might be a bit rough but I decided to go for it as it was...

Light begins to filter in through the window
I wonder what to run from
Whether it may finally be time to find out
The ghosts of the past seem to circle

Its fully light now
The Sun streams by
Flashing its brilliance
Ushering in the new day

Sleep is warm and all-encompassing
The dark brings the quietness
Restful, still fitful
Free to run from the rails

Quiet thoughts, flashing past
Half remembered dreams and memories
Cast aside when the light arrives
Half forgotten lullabies

Caught in the half light
A gentle dip
and I reach out
But you're not there

Questions? Part II

So I'm feeling a little uninspired at the moment post wise.

So in the meantime, and as a bit of an experiment, I'd like to know if you drop by here is there anything that you want to ask me? It can be either by comment or to pastandfuturetense@googlemail.com the email linked with this blog. I'll answer anything. It really is open house - if something I've said has clicked, or indeed hasn't or there's always been something that you've wanted to know ask away!

An Acrobat...

"The sky is often used as a metaphor
I suppose that's because it's so big and expansive
When a long stranded cloud sits just above the horizon
Leaving a strip of clear blue beneath it
It becomes the panorama
And you turn your head 360 degrees
And the same line follows you round
If the land is sufficiently flat
Really nothing can be compared to it" - Acrobat - Maximo Park

Earworms Part XVIII

Ok its comedy, but get behind that and its brilliant...



Its the Brett Domino Trio from Leeds doing Justin Timberlake with mini-instruments. Quite frankly its amazing. I'm not a big Timberlake fan, or one at all... But hearing this adaptation makes me smile, especially the keytar, the theramin, or the rapping...

Working Through...

So just what is this, this feeling? I don't know right now quite how or why I've ended up here. I'm so scared of the future, frustrated about the present. In such a damn funk that I can't seem to shake. Just for once I want some peace, I don't want to think and feel this way. Maybe in short I just want to be someone different. I'd trade in all the medals, all the trinkets; just for some peace with myself to be able to sleep and not rage at myself, maybe just to be able to man up and find some confidence and find something good about myself.

I guess I've fallen back into feeling broken, too many things from the past have caught up. I just want some peace and the feeling it'll all be OK - but no matter how much I get told it I'm not sure I believe it because how can it when it hasn't worked in the past? I don't know how to break the circle, and its frustrating because there was once when I felt that I had and I'd started to see things in a much better light. Its just got to some point in me where I really need to break the cycle.

**

This is written more as an addendum, maybe a memo to myself not to post after a day in the office when too much is going on in my head. There's stories to be told from today, many (not bad but interesting) stories but they are not for now but maybe in the future.

Looking too Hard

I think maybe the title says it all. Maybe its time to take some confidence and not try and steer too much. Let go slightly and not worry. Its easy to say, but really hard to actually do. I guess its part of all the pre-conditioning that goes on throughout life. I've got enough of it and I've spent so long going over it that I'm really tired of it, the big list of expectations.

I guess its one of those things, not quite an impasse but certainly something close. Maybe I've fallen out with myself. That sounds a *really* odd statement, I know. People talk about travelling or other methods for trying to find yourself. I do sometimes wonder whether I'm still looking, or I've got so fixated. I know not everyone is always comfortable with their present selves - and it takes time to find that balance. Maybe just once I'd like to see some kind of path; I spent so many years just assuming things would come right. Now I've got the determination to do something about it but the path feels so overgrown that I can't find it. Maybe I'm just looking too hard for it.

Looking After Number One

Its something someone at work said to me the other day. Whilst I've never made my mood especially public, I've been off on one for a couple of weeks and I keep feeling like I'm being a bit of an idiot. But until it just feels part of the process of breaking myself free from all the shit that's been in my head.

The difficulty with the phrase is that for the first time I'm really wondering whether I actually know how to. Not in the sense of cooking, eating, dressing etc, but actually asking what the hell do I need to calm my mind down in some way, at least so that I can get more than four hours sleep a night and not have the same worries (relationships, self-image, body-image, past mistakes) re-appearing.

One suggestion that I've read about and been told about is to stand in front of a mirror and repeat a phrase about how good you are and how you deserve good stuff - it worked for a bit but kind of breaks when I slip back into the day and the weight of my past catches up. Without breaking my past I can't seem to make my future, but without being able to see a future there I hang onto the past because its all I know. I've got this picture of myself I'm trying to bring to the fore but its so tricky as I'm breaking out of the view people have of me, trying to remove the labels without ending up in the emperor's new clothes. Maybe I'm just searching for the right relationship with others, myself and someone special.

Perspectives and Stuff...

I feel that I've got a long post stored up somewhere. Somehow something that will shake the cobwebs out. This week has dislodged a lot of thoughts for a lot of reasons. I'm trying to keep a lot of things in check as there's a temptation to just want to run away for a bit and hide in the country - but I can't do that; not until August (Point 5 if you're wondering...).

There's been a lot of realisation that plenty of people suffer and struggle, especially in the industry that I'm in. But there's a (big) part of me that says that just isn't ok and accepting it isn't a good answer - I'm spending my time at present taking control of my life and not letting work get in the way, but to work for me - lunches are my time, not time for meetings or to be taken at a desk. I've changed some business travel plans to be more agreeable for me, so that things are on my terms - I've got a gig to go see, and its easier for me to travel direct there and sort my travel plans. It feels very liberating in a way to be able to take control of small parts. Maybe it means that the big parts will follow, I don't know.

One thing that amused me in the past few weeks was a friend who said that they could see me married in two years. I've stopped and thought about that for a long time. Its not something I can see - whatever nice things people say, there are a set of steps 1 through to "pick a big number" and right now I'm somewhere around 1, beating myself up about an image I hold of myself from the past; trying to channel somewhere new.

But two years is a short time for something like that. I don't think of this as a dating blog, more a my-life blog; and the one thing I can state is that relationships are good things. They certainly are beneficial for the soul but not something to jump into. This isn't a "I love single life" post but nor is it a "I need to be married tomorrow either" post or even a "I enjoy the dating scene" post, because my view is none of the three.

But I've come to realise why I think certain things, maybe that's a good thing. Because around all this I'm starting to feel a drive to get to where I want to go - to become the person I'd like to be. The question is always how to get about it! Maybe confidence really is a preference for the habitual voyeur...

Earworms Part XVII

One more that's on a fairly endless loop. My enthusiasm for Scandinavian house knows no bounds... The track is by a band called "Hird" called "Getting Closer" off the album "Moving On" - I wish this stuff was more available in the UK! The band is most listen able to, and this track just screams chill out. But that doesn't mean that it isn't simply marvellous; kind of like floating in a very warm ocean especially with the smooth floating bass-line.

Confidence is a Preference for the Habital Voyeur... Part II

So where am I? Well the answers to that are long and obvious... Well to me anyway - some conversations that I've had in the past have come back to haunt me, I guess that I've kind of got to the bottom of a lot of things but hit a point where I don't know what to do with them. I guess this is an illusion to the fact that my self-confidence is shot again - well it was pretty brittle to start with.

However, its an odd point because its not exactly work, or indeed stuff like the fact I'm nervous to get up and play music in front of folks - I've got a gig next weekend and another in the week after - but its almost become this self-defeating principle of what I see about myself that I can't restore however much I go looking for it - I guess you could call it a lack of confidence or self-faith. Its a hard one to clarify, harder still to fix as it isn't something that feels like it will go away.

Until I fix it I can't move on, but I can't move on without fixing it. Chatting with a friend over the week it sounded a very single child thing, and it may be - but I guess some of the stuff that I value about myself has gotten eroded along the by some things that have happened, but most of all how I've treated (and judged) myself. Right now I don't know for definite an answer but for some reason it feels like one may be just around the corner.

Earworms Part XVI

I haven't done one of these for a little while so I've decided to redress the balance. Whilst I'm biased as this is a bit of a selection of my music I love this track. Its called "Seis Por Ocho" by a band called Nuspirit Helsinki. I got into Nujazz a few years ago when I went to a random gig of a local band playing something similar and got hooked. I pretty much then forgot about it until a few years ago as I couldn't find any. Then I myseteriously came across Nuspirit on a compilation album - I suspect it was possibly "Honest" or maybe even this track. Funky and jazzy in just the right amounts to want to get you to try and nod and move at once.

Defined Centrally, Relocated Externally, Location Uncertain

So what the hell does the title mean? I'm not quite sure. But its going to be the title of my first album, if I ever make one...

But for now all I have to say is this... from A Softer World

Travel sucks sometimes...

So yes the bank holiday weekend. I was sitting on the train home tonight minding my own business when a couple of guys worse for wear with drink sat opposite me. "Ok" I thought, watch your film and keep quiet. Seconds (the doors had just opened at their stop...) before they got off the guy opposite me threw up over the table - got my laptop out of the way but he chundered over the power cable. My thoughts on this are well, interesting:

(1) You can apologise, well slur, at me as much as you like, I'm not angry just very disappointed.
(2) I'm very, very sorry for the cleaners that have to clean your mess up and aren't paid well enough for doing it.
(3) I'm very, very sorry for the train conductors who have to put up with this kind of antics day in day out.

Point (1) has shocked me, following speedily on from the dating post. Maybe its shown a light on me - I know the person that I am, and why I don't go to bars to meet people, though maybe I just haven't found the right bars..., because this kind of antics disgust me. I had a chat to the conductor on the train afterwards and he said this kind of thing isn't uncommon, its a line of work that has opened his eyes. I'm quite used to seeing this kind of thing walking home from town - but some poor bugger has to clean your mess up; for the love of anything think of them!

Sorry, back to other more normal stuff soon - I needed a little rant.

Before I'm 30 Part I

This is going to be an ongoing theme in this blog hopefully one that I can refer back to as time progresses. I sat down and wondered today what my aims actually are; what things did I dream about. The traditional thing is to have a "to do before I'm 30". Due to my proximity I'm going to add 3 years onto it for various reasons. As things occur to me I'll add them to this list. For now the my main ideas are:

(1) Run a 10K (This August)
(2) Run a marathon - preferably London. Whilst I can I'd like to feel the achievement of actually completing something like this; a personal milestone if you will
(3) Complete the Mongol Rally - why? I like the idea of the challenge of being out in the middle of nowhere with no help, no one to sweep you up if things go wrong
(4) Travel to South America - the samba, the football, the culture, Brazil, Argentina, Peru, Chile - I want to see all of them
(5) Travel to Africa - culture and music - a rich tapestry of wildlife. Hopefully this year...
(6) Have another decent relationship - hide this one in here... I'm not saying married, nor kids, I'm talking on a personal level because that is the very first step, and its missing. I stress the another, part not to underwrite how I feel about my last (and indeed only) relationship...
(7) Learn to snowboard - I know skiing is more flexible but I've always wanted to board
(8) Play funk properly - basically, find a band and learn to improvise playing sax...
(9) Play guitar properly

That's it for the moment. More will happen and every-so-often I'll update the list to show where progress is!

I don't want to write this post...

No really I don't. Because it sums a lot of things up maybe. So in short yes I went speed dating tonight - it was fun I guess but hardly earth shattering. Would I recommend it? Probably not but I'd say do it if you want.

But first, I stopped off on my way to writing this at a life of perfect days and read the post Soul connections. It sums up so much so well. Please read it.

So that's the easy bit out of the way. Now to come over all Carrie Bradshaw... I suppose the thing with speed dating is that it always shows you up for who you are. I am a fairly well-educated white middle-class guy with a good view on his future. I guess that I know what I'm looking for in my life, and boy did I not find it at this gig. But there's also a bit of me that feels slightly ashamed of thinking that way. But its who I am and I'm not sure I really want to change it, I think I may quite like it - I'd like to be Hugh Grant or Michael Palin, but I've heard that those jobs have already been taken. I've cut what was here as it sounded quite harsh, maybe too harsh.

But, and I guess that this is the thing; we're all searching for that connection. Can you find it though speed dating, I'm not so sure. I guess I'd be the first to ask whether you can find it through traditional dating, but maybe I'm just not someone who has been on enough dates to find out. Which is not a fine thing, but I guess I'm not generating enough interest to get those dates in the first place. So as the man says pick the bones out of that one. I guess I look back on it and realise that I just don't have the luck sometimes, or maybe I'm too picky, but surely that's my prerogative?

I say this almost while cracking my knuckles looking furtively over at Match.com which has hardly been a rich source - replies are really not flooding in. Maybe I'm just at the point of saying right I need a dating doctor/actually going out and hiring hitch. I still wonder about this. Before you ask, this isn't a kneejerk to speed dating, its a fairly longstanding consideration. It's why I booked myself on the aborted flirting class.

Just writing about this it occurred to me that those that can do, those that can't write about it.

So Now...

Its an interesting thing. I've been working on some things about myself, in a personal sense recently. I mentioned a while ago I'd booked myself onto a flirting workshop. The result? It didn't happen, cancelled due to myself being the only applicant. Ha! It seems quite ironic really, I did laugh at the time.

In the much vaunted world of dating, I've started on internet dating, taking Match.com on on their six month pledge... I'm off speed dating on Wednesday evening, probably, with some guys from work so I'm going to have to do a bit of work on thinking up some openers that both interesting and none work based as I've done it a couple of times before and conversations drifted to work - bah boring!