Decisions...

There's a point that everything makes sense. I was reminded recently of a conversation I had with an old friend of mine; we worked together for a bit and maybe didn't always see eye to eye. But as well as our set of three ideas of happiness we also chatted about work. I have the one thing he stressed was the gut-feeling, you know what is right for you. This point is true – you know what you want and what is the right course. If something, like a job, is presented to you on a plate then if its wrong, you know. That means you know the course you need to take, I'm guilty of not doing that; very guilty.

However, there is one further point that we made which is that if you try and force the situation then there is a good chance you could wind up with something wrong. Bide your time, have patience and confidence; you know what you want and what is right for you – don't compromise! Think about your decisions with regard to what you are! Me? Naïve? Certainly. A fool? Absolutely. Incurable romantic? Definitely.

Gut Feeling

There's a point that everything opens up in front of you and its one big mountain to climb (you could say bike to ride, then the falling off analogy works really well but I shall not be drawn on it...). There's a point where you want some kind of solution to appear; and its perfectly obvious no-one can find you a solution.

I suppose its a question of perspective. Its fair to say that I'm not best pleased at the moment - I suspect I'm too easily pushed in directions. I suppose I've read a bit too much self-help over the previous few months. There's a great deal of talk about why you need to know yourself and spend time doing it. I have to say its a point that I agree with but I would like to place a word of caution on it. I've spent a large proportion of my life single and its fair to say that I've not made the best choices sometimes for several years of my life for one reason or another and totally my own fault! But in the course of not staying single is when I've discovered and learned the most about myself.

Its given me a really good perspective of life - its given me a chance to know me and the kick up the backside to do something about it; unfortunately some of the good memories are missing. Maybe its time to try and redress some of that. Its a corny line but you get you're 20s once; you can make mistakes but the biggest (for me anyway) is wishing time away.

I truly hate it, and I'm stuck doing it at the moment, in some kind of half-space; because I know a decent job is out there, and I'm applying for them, but they all seem to have deadlines way off in the future - and there's this gulf in the middle where settling is difficult as I'm off again shortly hopefully.

Unfortunately wanting to fix things is good but isn't quite as simple as it sounds - once you let the cat out of the bag (so to speak) and you actually figure out what is going on; what it is that makes you tick. I suppose there's a moral to this story - gut-feelings are good; go with them, they are as right as you're going to get!

The Search for Good News...

It sounds selfish to say this but I don't mean this as a look at the general world (though good world news is always a positive). But there are a great many times that I've opened my emails and hoped for some good news. It seems to be becoming more frequent again in the way it was a few months ago. Good things occurred, and I was amazed. News was delivered and it was good. But now news has turned and I'm back watching email hoping for something good.

It seems odd because you try hard to make things happen and then you just end up sitting and waiting. I have to say I've realised that I don't really like being out of work, somehow out of the pattern that I was so used to. There's a poem by Matt Harvey called Don't Ask that I feel sums everything up really well.

Yes I walked out of a job, and I have to say that a day doesn't go by when I'm not relieved that I took the choice - I would have had to spend three years retraining for a job that I had no interest in doing, financially it maybe wasn't the best choice maybe not even career wise; but sometimes you just know it is the right decision. In many ways it is a shame I didn't take it earlier; much, much earlier - you may question how I got through the interviews, got offered the position and accepted it; I know I do. But by heck I'd like a job now please - there is the hope for good news on the wings of an email that drives this post! To get back and see Step 1 of the plan of an indeterminate number of steps.

Parental Suggestion

This post for me is a difficult one to write. Its one of the more personal ones. Sitting around I've got a lot of time to sit and think. Probably too much time. Certainly given the time I've spent recently sitting on trains mainly listening to Marvin Gaye (Trouble Man). But I've been running back over the last couple of months.

Recently my parents celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. It was a great occasion with loads of family and friends around. It was that kind of bunch, fifty/sixty something - I felt a little out of place being the youngest by quite a way. However, the feeling of out of place was added to by the lonely chair next to me, necessary to make the numbers up and not split anyone else up...

Coupled with the fact my love life seemed to become choice conversation, especially with friends/relatives they don't see too often – as it always seems to, however, never in groups when I was around – so I'd hear bits of my personal life drifting past in other people's discussions. Nice and discreet as usual, I think I may have heard a couple of them whilst standing in the next room... My folks seem to have this inbuilt ability to do this – wherever we are, but especially if I've gone out for a meal with them, doubly so if a member of the service staff is coming to the table.

There's a bit of me that wonders whether this relationship pressure comes from the parents, the force to settle down. I've a feeling it does; doubly so if they expect you to be married by now and would like some grand kids please – whenever is convenient you know, but soon... Somehow the parental influence doesn't seem to diminish. I have to say I do love my family dearly but just once a little bit of space would be nice!

I'm impatient, and I don't think its just the coffee. I'm very eager to get things moving again in my life, as everything seemed to stop. Ready to move, ready to go and start again - something new, something good. It just seems that things don't always pan out that way, very close but no cigar to the last job, which was a shame as I liked the area, the job and the chance to sort things. Things need to get moving as I feel as if I'm starting to go just a bit crazy, slightly more shut in that I would like...

Golf... Life....

For the first time in a long time I went out and enjoyed a game of golf. The company that you have for the game makes such a difference. I can't say I played well - shot an 85, 5 over my handicap - which wasn't too clever, but a good walk and decent people made for a good afternoon.

It also occurred to me that most amateur players could benefit from going down the gym regularly. I'm no expert, and practice certainly helps, but being able to get around a round without looking like you're ill and dragging yourself in can't be good for you. I've noticed my own gym exertions have seemed to make me feel fresh from coming through 18, enough to go straight back out - which I think can only be a benefit!

Out this weekend back in my old haunts for a friend's birthday. Really good to see the old crowd and sit around talking; something that I definitely miss having ended up back. Motivation to get a job - massive! There's a time that you just hope something will happen, its difficult trying to push things to make sure they get there. A job, some form of a love life - its plain to see what has gone missing, gone wrong, in the last few months. Its a case of wanting to change I suppose, an indication of seeing things going wrong and a way of putting them right!

Conquering

Well not exactly a fear, but I really enjoy going out to a restaurant to eat, there's just something about it. I've not been doing enough of it mainly because I don't have company and going out to eat by yourself sucks; big time. But I'm away on interview duty again so it was a must. The meal was seriously good, but the company was lacking - sitting by yourself doesn't lead to riveting conversation. I have to say its something I've done before when I've been abroad with work, but it's kind of excusable and the waiting staff are always keen to talk and practice their English! I went out for a couple of drinks as well and it did strike me that I looked a bit of an alcoholic sitting alone supping on a pint of something continental.

I suppose its a part of the personal mentality - why shouldn't you go out for dinner by yourself? Well its a bit dull sitting in a restaurant full of people looking at you as if there's something wrong and the waiting staff looking on with sympathy like you've been stood up...

In the parlance of the new world of football manager - this project still has a long way to go yet and a lot of work is still required. Step 1 I think is getting a job!

Also I'm becoming less and less convinced about coffee from train stations - the last two weeks I've been to the same outlet in a fairly major regional station that I don't go through regularly - I've been distinctly unimpressed, I value my coffee its been a big part of my daily routine for the last few years and I object to being served something seriously substandard at a not cheap price. I'll name no names (but it isn't one of the big ones...) but I've had better instant - do these kind of places have anywhere you can let them know what you think?

Music...

Can music be inspirational? Due to my job situation I'm spending more time at the gym than I usually would, well I'm going every day as opposed to three times a week... Anyways I always run and for the last few weeks I've had some Pendulum tracks queued up to aid the pain of the treadmill. Its funny though, whether its subconscious or not just as I start to feel a bit tired on comes Granite (only a couple of Pendulum tracks on the playlist...), and I'm off again. Feeling almost refreshed.

I fear what the other good people at the gym think of me, as I have this horrible feeling I'm trying to do some kind of dance moves whilst not looking at my best 3.5km into a run... Still there must be a benefit, right?

It is odd what music can do in other situations though, songs connect strongly to certain times in out life. Its also odd that there is always more music to listen to that at one time we've thought - 'Wouldn't it be good to hear...'. I've finally made a move on my list and dug out some Sufjan Stevens. So nice being able to sit and appreciate music again for the first time for a while.

One thing more, and I'm bad for editing posts after I've written them but there's a Marianne Williamson (from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles") quote that I think rings true at the moment:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."