I was struck by something...

... the other morning, I'd say nothing dangerous but thoughts sometimes often are. I've just finished reading Danny Wallace's book "Yes Man", its a great read, plug over. But there are some really great concepts in it when you cut through some of the weirder stuff. Saying yes to things generally is good. Its amazing where it gets you sometimes. Maybe that's the moral of it all?

Anyway I digress slightly into what has the danger of sounding like a rather camp set of comments, but hear me out. Where this starts is standing in front of a mirror of the morning having a shave. One very simple question, what do you see? Aside from the answer of "me staring back". It puzzled me for a moment looking, as there was something that caught my eye, literally. There have been lots of quotations abouts eyes and the soul (Matthew 6:22,23 or science based). It sounds odd to say it, but I look at my eyes most mornings - sometimes they are dull and lifeless (cf some annoying advert), other times there's this shine there in the blue, kind of a flash - it always tends to be when I'm feeling up about something. Damn those lifeless dull blue-grey days.

Earworms Part XIII

"The sky is often used as a metaphor
I suppose that's because it's so big and expansive
When a long stranded cloud sits just above the horizon
Leaving a strip of clear blue beneath it
It becomes the panorama
And you turn your head 360 degrees
And the same line follows you round
If the land is sufficiently flat
Really nothing can be compared to it" - Acrobat - Maximo Park

Nothing more I want to say really, great song!

Night....

With apologies, like the last written off the cuff and posted, no proof-reading or editing.

The middle of the stars,
The blackest of the night,
Shining through,
True like an arrow

Piercing the deepest,
Lighting up the darkest,
Picking up the fallen,
Never knowing when beaten

Today is tomorrow,
The future a piece of the past,
Time pauses for no one,
But no one is unaccompanied

Late...

I freely admit my writing sometimes isn't up to much - I got in tonight and found myself sitting on my laptop and kind of sketched this out in about 20 minutes over a whiskey. Not sure it quite has the flow or meaning I first wanted but once written I thought I'd post it...

Ain't it late don't you know?
Started some hours ago
The bar's nearly run dry
Stains weave new patterns on the lino

Ain't it late don't you know?
Tired somnolence drags eyelids down
Gathering in fits and starts
Memories of the night a heavy crown

Ain't it late don't you know?
That feeling of urgent unease
The seemingly earnest gentle smile
Picturing a life on different seas

Ain't it late don't you know?
Forgotten memories, forgotten souls
Flashes and blurs come together
Long abandoned goals

Is it late?
Just six minutes to midnight.

I'm...

... in an odd mood today (Sunday - Valentines...). I was out last night at a friend's houseparty and got home sometime this morning and eventually woke up in bed (and sleeping on the sofa for a while...) with a thumping hangover. A highly entertaining evening with a bit of guitar hero. My folks are heading up today to visit (I've been having some car problems and we're going to try and sort them...) so I rang them to confirm the time.

I found out that a member of the family had died. Whilst it wasn't a shock as they had been ill for a while. But when I was at my lowest last year it was an evening spent with him that persuaded me that I should pick myself up and that things weren't that bad. It didn't quite work but it started the process and I want to make every effort to attend his funeral.

But as I implied at the top its Valentines (granted not now but it was when I started the post). I thought being single for so long wouldn't make it tough this year. I was a bit wrong. I suppose it's thrown into sharp comparison because I've registered on a few internet dating sites. Spent part of party on saturday laughing about being single with a couple of guys in the loft (if you're wondering we were the only singles there...) and why none of us are especially enjoying it. I don't know, maybe its an age versus "decent" relationship ratio. Sounds daft I know!

Apologies small cut on the post from earlier, I wasn't going to hit post on it then did; the last paragraph was a result of ramblings just in from work, trying to sort out flights. My apologies, normal service to be resumed!

Some Answers...

So a question...

Hey Jon. I'm wondering, with the ups and downs you've had over the past year how do you think those experiences will benefit you in the future? How do you feel they've changed you as a person?

The easiest way that I can say it is that it feels like I've woken up. I've had a chance to look around, especially at myself and challenge the bits about myself that I really didn't like. I guess the difficulty was that I found a lot of things! Some of them I was working on but situations got the better of me - I've found out what my demons are, I'm just not sure of how to get over them... I guess that's the thing I've found out what's up and have no concrete plan to get round it, but bits are starting to come together.

I'm not going to say that I've fixed them, just I've got a better idea what they are and I know I've got to work on them, sometimes I'm just not sure how or the best way of doing things... It's motivated me to actually get out and do something about them. The obvious one is my singleton status - I'm not saying that I want to get married as soon as - or indeed go in for the other extreme of the lifestyle of "The Game", because I don't. But things need to be better than they are now and I need some semblance of a dating lifestyle. It took me a long time to figure this out because I read a lot of self-help whose views seemed to contradict it - but reading back over its more don't look for relationships but date around. Well I'm well under that bar.

I guess that's the thing - some form of lifestyle - but its easy to say and not necessarily to do; especially as I'm not really meeting people and I know I've got self-confidence issues (it's an odd statement as I don't at work... but I do in my personal life) - especially in regards to approaching and attraction. Its easy to listen and believe people that say everything will be fine and work - but actually will it? Doing the same old things? Really?

Its made me more committed to be a better person to myself and the people around me. Unfortunately that's an easy thing to say but more difficult to actually do in practice.

It's kind of like holding a big mirror up to yourself and thinking "oh shit!", I guess that's the best way to describe it. The proverbial face slap which came with a realisation of what that gnawing feeling was. Like I say great to know but something has to be done about it. That's the big motto, not to let it build up but take action. I guess the sick thing is being sure what is right, as right now I'm not sure and I've had a habit of putting myself in a bad situations before... So its trying to figure things but being willing to step away if its not right. Maybe that's a big learning thing!

Questions?

So I'm feeling a little uninspired at the moment post wise. I'm working on something which if I sit down may be finished and appear here pretty soon - please have a bit of patience, its a while since I've written short stories and I'm trying to get back into the swing of it!

So in the meantime, and as a bit of an experiment, I'd like to know if you drop by here is there anything that you want to ask me? It can be either by comment or to pastandfuturetense@googlemail.com the email linked with this blog. I'll answer anything, I would say within reason, but I'm not sure what my definition of reason is; so it really is open house - if something I've said has clicked, or indeed hasn't or there's always been something that you've wanted to know ask away!