I've tried a few times to write something down as to why this blog came about - I've wanted to write this for a while as its really the culmination of a lot of earlier posts. Each time its been neatly saved in the drafts folder for future perusal.
So where does Past and Future Tense come from - well it is a reference to a good many things. I adore languages and I always remember the struggle of trying to come to terms with the different tenses. It seems so easy in English, but so hard to remember elsewhere...
Put simply its the finer things in life, the small things around me that I find fascinating. The small things that pass us by in life. I enjoy writing about them because it feels like you are in real contact with what is going on. I have to admit I adore the natural world.
When I started writing this blog I spent a couple of months unemployed having left a job I had only recently started. The situation with my relationship wasn't great, and came to a head very quickly; its no comfort to know that I messed up big time - and brought it on myself. Its one of those things, they go that way sometimes.
After righting myself I realised things had to change (
Ben Folds and the week that was). Because things didn't feel quite right, you can keep plugging away but ending up in the same situation just didn't seem acceptable. Blatantly there's no big excuse for this, and as I've kept saying in the grand scheme of things in the world its no big thing, and believe me I know it isn't.
Writing gives me a bit of a release. It lets me put my thoughts down. I write instinctively - I'm a very poor editor. Its my way; I know what drives me, those little things. Unfortunately in taking the job that I did I lost a lot of the little things that kept me motivated. I've always said if I can do anything to prevent one person going down the route I've gone I'd do it.
But I'm not here to complain, because I know it doesn't help me. I've spent (too long) a time thinking about what went on. I have to admit I just wanted to find some way of solving things, but that wasn't the way it came across. Its that bit of real life thats important - the small things in life. Thats where the motto of needing to change things comes from. I suppose I kind of got mired in self-help, as I realised I had to do something. The crunch came when I read stuff that about happiness in yourself - maybe I misinterpreted it maybe the cases are hard to make out.
Unfortunately it isn't something that is a given right, or that will happen by magic (I spent years waiting for things to pick up - then got surprised when they didn't...). Its something you have to create (I figured I had to do something about it and challenge myself a bit more). I spent too long listening to various people extolling the virtues of why I should take a particular job. I forgot one thing, myself - I let myself get persuaded by too many factors that weren't true to me (if you're wondering money, power, perks and expectations as well just any old way to avoid the credit crunch). That wasn't the main thing though the prospect of spending 8 hours a day alone in an office, another 3 commuting by car then a quick supper and bed for the rest of my life without personal contact was the thing that made me snap - plus I didn't really care about the work that I was doing. For me the prospect of that life, that job hit me hard; but I let it impact all areas of my life and I shouldn't have.
Its a hard admission to make but at a colleagues (bosses boss) leaving do in my previous time there (8 years ago or so) I got told to my face in front of a number of people to go out, get a life and get laid or failing that just go get a prostitute. At the time I was shy and scared boy who didn't say anything and walked out. I wonder what my response would have been now sometimes - I suspect it may well have resulted in dismissal for a wide range of offenses. However, the guy was probably right in the get a life stakes - I did and it improved things no end. Unfortunately going back brought back the bad reminders...
Not just that, but as something I've hinted at before (
Looking Around) I feel very selfish for walking out on a job when there's loads of people looking for work and the world economy is going down the pan. People lack the basic human necessities, earthquakes, typhoons and flooding dominate the news and I'm sitting here thinking something is up! Yeah perspective! Truth is my life is pretty ok in the big scheme of things (I have my health, and I know that I actually have a bit of choice about what I do) but maybe the little things were wrong. The fine grain of ourselves, but that is something we can take power over and make steps to put right. I'm not saying forget the big things. - I certainly haven't and don't ever intend to - I'm not making false promises here!
I leave this post with some wise words of Billy Connolly:
"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on"