Looking After Number One

Its something someone at work said to me the other day. Whilst I've never made my mood especially public, I've been off on one for a couple of weeks and I keep feeling like I'm being a bit of an idiot. But until it just feels part of the process of breaking myself free from all the shit that's been in my head.

The difficulty with the phrase is that for the first time I'm really wondering whether I actually know how to. Not in the sense of cooking, eating, dressing etc, but actually asking what the hell do I need to calm my mind down in some way, at least so that I can get more than four hours sleep a night and not have the same worries (relationships, self-image, body-image, past mistakes) re-appearing.

One suggestion that I've read about and been told about is to stand in front of a mirror and repeat a phrase about how good you are and how you deserve good stuff - it worked for a bit but kind of breaks when I slip back into the day and the weight of my past catches up. Without breaking my past I can't seem to make my future, but without being able to see a future there I hang onto the past because its all I know. I've got this picture of myself I'm trying to bring to the fore but its so tricky as I'm breaking out of the view people have of me, trying to remove the labels without ending up in the emperor's new clothes. Maybe I'm just searching for the right relationship with others, myself and someone special.

Perspectives and Stuff...

I feel that I've got a long post stored up somewhere. Somehow something that will shake the cobwebs out. This week has dislodged a lot of thoughts for a lot of reasons. I'm trying to keep a lot of things in check as there's a temptation to just want to run away for a bit and hide in the country - but I can't do that; not until August (Point 5 if you're wondering...).

There's been a lot of realisation that plenty of people suffer and struggle, especially in the industry that I'm in. But there's a (big) part of me that says that just isn't ok and accepting it isn't a good answer - I'm spending my time at present taking control of my life and not letting work get in the way, but to work for me - lunches are my time, not time for meetings or to be taken at a desk. I've changed some business travel plans to be more agreeable for me, so that things are on my terms - I've got a gig to go see, and its easier for me to travel direct there and sort my travel plans. It feels very liberating in a way to be able to take control of small parts. Maybe it means that the big parts will follow, I don't know.

One thing that amused me in the past few weeks was a friend who said that they could see me married in two years. I've stopped and thought about that for a long time. Its not something I can see - whatever nice things people say, there are a set of steps 1 through to "pick a big number" and right now I'm somewhere around 1, beating myself up about an image I hold of myself from the past; trying to channel somewhere new.

But two years is a short time for something like that. I don't think of this as a dating blog, more a my-life blog; and the one thing I can state is that relationships are good things. They certainly are beneficial for the soul but not something to jump into. This isn't a "I love single life" post but nor is it a "I need to be married tomorrow either" post or even a "I enjoy the dating scene" post, because my view is none of the three.

But I've come to realise why I think certain things, maybe that's a good thing. Because around all this I'm starting to feel a drive to get to where I want to go - to become the person I'd like to be. The question is always how to get about it! Maybe confidence really is a preference for the habitual voyeur...

Earworms Part XVII

One more that's on a fairly endless loop. My enthusiasm for Scandinavian house knows no bounds... The track is by a band called "Hird" called "Getting Closer" off the album "Moving On" - I wish this stuff was more available in the UK! The band is most listen able to, and this track just screams chill out. But that doesn't mean that it isn't simply marvellous; kind of like floating in a very warm ocean especially with the smooth floating bass-line.

Confidence is a Preference for the Habital Voyeur... Part II

So where am I? Well the answers to that are long and obvious... Well to me anyway - some conversations that I've had in the past have come back to haunt me, I guess that I've kind of got to the bottom of a lot of things but hit a point where I don't know what to do with them. I guess this is an illusion to the fact that my self-confidence is shot again - well it was pretty brittle to start with.

However, its an odd point because its not exactly work, or indeed stuff like the fact I'm nervous to get up and play music in front of folks - I've got a gig next weekend and another in the week after - but its almost become this self-defeating principle of what I see about myself that I can't restore however much I go looking for it - I guess you could call it a lack of confidence or self-faith. Its a hard one to clarify, harder still to fix as it isn't something that feels like it will go away.

Until I fix it I can't move on, but I can't move on without fixing it. Chatting with a friend over the week it sounded a very single child thing, and it may be - but I guess some of the stuff that I value about myself has gotten eroded along the by some things that have happened, but most of all how I've treated (and judged) myself. Right now I don't know for definite an answer but for some reason it feels like one may be just around the corner.

Earworms Part XVI

I haven't done one of these for a little while so I've decided to redress the balance. Whilst I'm biased as this is a bit of a selection of my music I love this track. Its called "Seis Por Ocho" by a band called Nuspirit Helsinki. I got into Nujazz a few years ago when I went to a random gig of a local band playing something similar and got hooked. I pretty much then forgot about it until a few years ago as I couldn't find any. Then I myseteriously came across Nuspirit on a compilation album - I suspect it was possibly "Honest" or maybe even this track. Funky and jazzy in just the right amounts to want to get you to try and nod and move at once.

Defined Centrally, Relocated Externally, Location Uncertain

So what the hell does the title mean? I'm not quite sure. But its going to be the title of my first album, if I ever make one...

But for now all I have to say is this... from A Softer World

Travel sucks sometimes...

So yes the bank holiday weekend. I was sitting on the train home tonight minding my own business when a couple of guys worse for wear with drink sat opposite me. "Ok" I thought, watch your film and keep quiet. Seconds (the doors had just opened at their stop...) before they got off the guy opposite me threw up over the table - got my laptop out of the way but he chundered over the power cable. My thoughts on this are well, interesting:

(1) You can apologise, well slur, at me as much as you like, I'm not angry just very disappointed.
(2) I'm very, very sorry for the cleaners that have to clean your mess up and aren't paid well enough for doing it.
(3) I'm very, very sorry for the train conductors who have to put up with this kind of antics day in day out.

Point (1) has shocked me, following speedily on from the dating post. Maybe its shown a light on me - I know the person that I am, and why I don't go to bars to meet people, though maybe I just haven't found the right bars..., because this kind of antics disgust me. I had a chat to the conductor on the train afterwards and he said this kind of thing isn't uncommon, its a line of work that has opened his eyes. I'm quite used to seeing this kind of thing walking home from town - but some poor bugger has to clean your mess up; for the love of anything think of them!

Sorry, back to other more normal stuff soon - I needed a little rant.